


The Angry Buddha

by dr_sturgeonman



Series: Gambling Deity [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Author has no idea what's going on, Female Uzumaki Naruto, Gambling, Konoha is shit and you can fight me on that., Medic Uzumaki Naruto, Naruto is Kaguya, Naruto raised by Tsunade, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Prodigy Naruto, romance is gonna take a far back seat
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-15
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:41:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 7
Words: 30,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27018970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dr_sturgeonman/pseuds/dr_sturgeonman
Summary: After being unceremoniously threatened, Tsunade has been forced to return to Konoha and against her will enroll her daughter into the ninja forces.Will Naruto destroy the world as the second coming of a goddess?Will Kakashi go grey from Naruto's antics?Has Morino Ibiki found a fellow sadist?Has Tonton's plans to end the world through her terrorist organization begun?Here I am playing the same joke as last time! I've got no plan but a lot of spunk so let's do this!
Relationships: Dai-nana-han | Team 7 & Hatake Kakashi, Naruto & Tsunade (Naruto)
Series: Gambling Deity [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1940836
Comments: 81
Kudos: 210





	1. Home Again, Home Again

**Author's Note:**

> So I have no earthly idea of what I'm doing, but we've at least started Naruto so that's something!
> 
> Answers to your burning questions are in the end notes.
> 
> Let's do this!

Naruto was a mess of energy upon arriving in Konoha. The little menace was running from storefront to open stall, pestering the merchants with an unending flood of questions that threatened to overwhelm not only them but the shoppers as well.

The poor business owners didn’t know what happened, all they saw was a white blur that ran up to them and spewed forth a volley of sounds that vaguely resembled human speech.

It didn’t help that she rifled through their wares with a supernatural speed and monstrous strength, knocking people out of the way as her excitement got the better of her.

A small part of Tsuande was glad that her daughter was her usual energetic ball of sunshine self, although with the way he was going, someone was liable to get burned.

“Stupid brat!” Tsunade put an end to the twelve year old's reign of mayhem with a swift strike to the back of her daughter’s head, “What did I tell you about behaving!”

“But it’s all so nnnnyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” Naruto whined, not at all hindered or harmed from a strike that would have knocked a regular ninja out for several hours, if not days.

“Just…” Tsunade looked for words, trying to reign in her already infamously short temper that had only been whittled down further as they approached Konohagakure. Thankfully without escort. “Stay by me, ok, I don’t want to have to explain to the Hokage why he’s missing ninja.”

Naruto beamed at what she assumed was a compliment to her deadly fighting prowess when it was in actuality Tsunade admitting to the fact that if anyone so much as lightly brushed against her baby girl that she’d turn them inside out and give them a plethora of new anuses to go along with the make over.

So side by side the mother daughter duo walked, with Naruto pointing and asking about whatever it was that caught her interest before Tsunade returned a short, albeit informative, answer. Behind them trotted Shizune and Tonton, with both females looking around nervously, not quite knowing what to expect as they slowly neared the Hokage tower.

The journey had been a tense one to say the least.

For a week straight, Naruto had been in a depressive mood, believing herself to be at fault for them being forcibly recalled back to the village hidden in the leaves. No matter what the two adults and one pig did to cheer her up, going so far as to serve ramen at every meal, the usually loud albino blonde remained disturbingly quiet and muted. Her face a blank slate void of emotions.

Neither of the adults knew what it was that broke her out of it at the end of the first week, but Naruto eventually pulled through, though Tsunade knew it to be just an act.

But as their journey neared closer and closer to completion, even the sannin could no longer recognize if the smile was genuine or not.

_ He better hope he doesn’t end up on my operating table, damn jiji. _ Tsuande tsked to herself as they entered the bastard’s tower lobby. A helpful attendant told them that they were expected and to go right on in, but to wait if he had another meeting in progress.

Tsunade wondered for a hot second what secretary didn't know her boss’ meeting schedule, but then she remembered the traditional Shinobi greeting by entering the window with a disturbingly casual grace.

Not that Tsunade cared, after forcing her to come back, and putting Naruto through her own self inflicted hell, even if it was with the Daimyo himself, Tsunade would barge right in.

And she did just that.

“Oi, Sensei, we’re here!” She informed him loudly, only mildly miffed that she hadn’t interrupted anything important.

Unfortunate.

Flanking the man in the hat on either side were three ninja she only vaguely recognized, Morino Ibiki and Shiranui Genma, the last one had a scar running across his face and had an attitude to go with it.

She did not miss the way his eyes briefly flickered over to Naruto with a mixture of hate and disgust.

“Well?” She smashed the wall with a closed fist, cracking it but not shattering the structure entirely. “Did you hear more or have you lost your hearing after all these years?”

“You can’t talk to the-”   
  


“Iruka,” A name Tsunade filed away for a later date. “That’s enough.” The old man groused out, voice low and void of any emotion that might have tipped the room’s occupants to his inner monologue.

“But Hokage-sam-”

He raised a heavy hand, silencing his subordinate as he leveled a likewise heavy gaze Tsunade’s way.

The air grew thick with tension, Tsunade stood her ground, legs spread and ready to spring into action at the drop of a pin. Naruto got into a similar stance behind her while the more level headed of the entirely female group quivered in fear at the prospect of fighting their way out of the village.

Only one on the Hokage’s side looked ready for a fight, the one called Iruka, though there were doubtlessly a dozen or so anbu hidden in the rafters and behind the wall ready to spring to their leaders' defense if a fight did indeed break out.

“Shall we begin?”

* * *

A closet pervert, an open pervert, and an unknown variable sat before Naruto behind a table.

The old man in the dress had told them that Naruto would have to pass a test or something before dismissing Naruto and his three companions to another room.

“Shall we,” Naruto’s pale baby blue eyes shot to the man with a shit ton of scars, his voice wasn’t hostile, but the fact that Naruto couldn’t pin what kind of pervert he was, along with the amused smirk on his face, rubbed her the wrong way. “Begin?”

* * *

The girl was impressive, Ibiki would give her that. She succeeded in every test with flying colors and would no doubt be the top of her class if she had attended the academy.

Of course, that was in terms of practical skills.

In terms of intelligence and basic knowledge, she was a mixed bag that the trained T&I nin had to really work hard to clamp down on the chuckles that threatened to break free from his iron grip.

“Who was the fourth Hokage?”

“Who?”

“What is Lightning’s main export to Fire?”

“Beef and assorted seasonings and spices.”

“When was the first shinobi war fought?”

“Dunno.”

“When was the second?”   
  


“Dunno.”   
  


“The third?”

“Naddah.”   
  
“Who were the sannin?”

“Mom, pervert, and weirdo.”

Now, one might think that this would automatically fail the girl, but then you asked her a tough question such as, “If you had to draw an enemy out of cover in a civilian dense area, how would you go about doing so without getting caught?”

And she’d answer...

“Throw up a henge and cause a scene, if he’s a shinobi he won’t want to get caught in the commotion or have it draw attention to his hiding space, then when he leaves, shunshin nearby before taking him out.”

“And then?” That last part had been one of Ibiki’s personal questions.

“Steal his wallet.”

Or...

“You are charged with interrogating a fellow shinobi who has been caught performing espionage for an enemy, how do you get not only a confession but any other information they have?”

“Ask them the usual questions, then if they say I’d rather die, stop their heart for five seconds before resuscitating them. Rinse and repeat until they’re ready to tell.”

“And if that doesn’t work.”

“Escalate in terms of bodily harm before healing them to a previously unwounded state, show them that even in death they can’t escape and you slowly break their spirits.”   
  


“Where did you learn such a strategy?”

“I did the same while gambling to throw some people into debt to pay off our debts.”

The girl was either a brilliant genius or a sociopath that just happened to vaguely align herself with them. Either way, she was a riot.

Mostly because every answer she gave usually boiled down to some gambling experience.

Of course these hard answers were mostly just to see how inventive a genin prospect could be in terms of creative solutions, but that didn’t mean that Ibiki and the rest of the force didn’t briefly peruse them for the possibly brilliant ones that could feasibly work.

That and the truly ridiculous ones from the kids that had no idea what they were doing.

T&I had an actual wall for those, with the top rated one being written five years ago that they had actually tried for the heck of it- polar bears.

The best part was the strict poker face she threw up, even when she didn’t know the answer she kept it up and shot out her reply a mere second after being asked.

If this was an informal interrogation, Ibiki had no doubt that the interrogator would have to have at least three years of experience before the girl began to sweat.

Of course his companions might disagree with his assessment.

“You’re dismissed,” He told the girl, unlacing his fingers that had been steepled on the table ever since this unique test began. “Please wait outside while we deliberate on your final score.”

Senju Naruto, or Uzumaki Naruto if you were in the know, gave them a curt nod before walking out the door.

To the average person, hell even the average shinobi, it might look as if she was completely unfazed after being shoved into a room with three strange men who were trained killers and made to perform test after test for three hours straight with no reprieve. He doubted even his colleagues saw it.

But Ibiki was trained to pick up on such things.

It was like looking at something perfect, the oddity of something too symmetric that defied nature with how equal it was. Something someone could only truly notice if they paid attention to detail, recognizing that something in the back of their head was nagging them. Her step, though casual and slightly clipped, with the audible sound of her heels clacking against the hardwood, was almost too perfect, each step measured to be right in the sweet spot between quick and slowed. Her hands hung limply at her side, swinging at just the right pace to match her footing.

“I think she’ll do fine.” It was Genma who broke the silence that had fallen following the young Senju’s departure.

“What are you talking about! She barely passed, and besides we can’t in good conscious let an someone who’s only just come to Konoha become-”

“Iruka,” Ibiki stood up, chair scraping across the wood as well as the occupants of the small room’s ear drums. “I understand your hesitation, but we were only required to find out her physical capabilities. Any shortcomings in her theoretical and academic are to be corrected by her jonin sensei.”

“But you saw the way she handled the advanced questions, no student has handled them in such a way since…”

_ Itachi _ .

The unsaid name hung on the air like a bad smell.

“True,” Ibiki acquiesced with a slight nod of his head, “But then it’s not up to us, is it?”

* * *

“So in summary,” Hiruzen peered down at the tea cup before him, staring into the pensive gaze of his discolored doppelganger, “You’ve taught her the thousand fist’s, Iryō ninjutsu, advanced chakra control, basic genjutsu techniques, and several jutsu, of which are included some advanced techniques that no sane parent should teach their child.” He finished after grilling Tsunde on everything,  _ EVERYTHING _ , that the young daughter of the late yond- the daughter of his former student sitting before him could do. He had written a mental list while Tsunade went over training, including any accidents and mishaps. He was particularly interested in her chakra affinity after hearing that story.

Tsunade managed to preen under his questioning look at teaching her child A rank ninjutsu such as the Doton: Yomi Numa, likely because she saw it as stubborn parental pride that her baby could destroy a large force of shinobi if given the opportunity.

He sighed, “Anything else?” At this point it was more of a repetitive formality to ask that question seeing as he had already integrated the woman to the best of his abilities without literally doing so.

“As far as I’m aware.” She replied breezily, though the chip on her shoulder had remained.

“Then if we’ve settled that issue, we can move onto further business. I presume you’re not going to continue your gambling spree now that your good luck charm is otherwise preoccupied?”

“Ah.” She replied flippantly, leaning back on her chair.

“Then if that’s the case, might I offer something you might find agreeable?” He slowly slid the upturned papers across his desk and towards the hopefully-no-longer-former medic nin.

Tsunade sat forward, the legs of her chair grinding against the ground as she moved ever so slightly closer to the Hokage’s desk, taking the paper and reading it with an inquisitively raised brow.

Hiruzen watched the slight change in emotions dance across Tsunade’s face, going from pensive curiosity to subtle confusion, followed by genuine surprise before ending in sheer disbelief.

“Are you daft?” She stood up, knocking the chair over with the abrupt change.

Hiruzen chuckled, having partially expected the outburst. “While I might understand your shock at such a one-sided deal, we have known each other long enough to know I am being entirely serious.”

Tsunade once more glanced down at the forms in her clenched grip, flipping through the paperwork as she tried to grasp the legal jargon placed before her.

“But this is- you can’t just- if the council finds- what!?”

It truly was a one sided deal.

And Hiruzen couldn’t be happier that he  _ lost _ .

* * *

Growing up, Naruto had been told a thousand and one stories about the mighty Senju clan. About their nigh eternal conflict with the famous, or infamous depending on who you were talking to, Uchiha Clan. How Tsunade’s grandfather and great uncle had been super powerful bad asses that built Konoha from the ground up after not only making peace with their long time enemy, but also by convincing multiple other clans to join them during a turbulent time.

But looking at the dilapidated manor from behind a broken gate in a somewhat run down part of town, Naruto was left to wonder if her mother hadn’t been drunk.

It was already a gamble to determine if she’d had a drink in the last hour, let alone if she was actually shit faced.

“Home sweet home!” Her mother with questionable judgement cheered, pumping her fist into the air and striding across broken cobble intermittently sprinkled with the odd weed. “Sure she’s not much to look at,” Her mother twisted the knob on the front door after treading across a treacherous porch. “But with a little elbow grease, we’ll have a place all to our own!” She stood in front of the foyer, arms spread wide to show off all the nothing they had… actually, nothing would be preferable to what they had at the moment.

Rotten floor boards and moth eaten furniture. The only light in the room came from the holes that littered the ceiling like a frag grenade had gone off in the room.

A thick layer of dust lay all about the room, enough to leave clear footsteps behind them as well as show that no one had entered the Senju compound in what had to be at least a hundred years.

“All right,” Tsunade stopped them from questioning her judgement by drawing their attention, “everyone split up and loot the place! After we’ve taken inventory we’ll meet up here and settle down for the night!”

“We’re not staying at a hotel!” It was Shizune who thankfully asked that question.

“Nope!” Tsunade smiled triumphantly.

One of the old support beams chose that moment to collapse and bring down what little of the ceiling remained in one of the adjacent hallways, almost as if to punctuate her mother’s declaration to stay in this god forbidden and most likely haunted place.

* * *

Kakashi had been given a heads up to the return of his sensei’s daughter, so for the past week he had been staking out the front gate, waiting for the Sanin and her entourage to arrive.

To say he was surprised to see the little girl was an understatement, for a second, he hadn’t believed the little girl to be the girl he was expecting. With hair so pale it might as well be white, with skin the color of freshly fallen snow, and a pair of horns to literally top it all off, Kakashi felt as if he couldn’t accurately remember his late master and his wife at all.

But on closer inspection, he saw the similarities.

Her face and hair screamed of Kushina, looking like the spitting image if someone pretended the colors to be different. But the eyes were definitely Minato’s, albeit a lot paler and lacking pupils.

But the rest was pure Tsunade.

Everything from the jacket with the kanji for gambling down to the impractical heels was the spitting image of the woman beside the twelve year old girl. Except much like with finding the similarities between Naruto and her birth parents, the coloration was off. The jacket was a bright white with a golden orange trim, her pants dull yellowish orange. The only thing that was the same was the shirt underneath, although the belt securing it to her midriff was an obnoxious bright orange.

He hightailed it back to Hokage tower, having been given orders by the Hokage to alert him when the expected party arrived.

From there he joined the anbu hidden off to the side and observed. To say he was impressed was an understatement.

Even though the abilities tested were standard academy ones, their flawless execution told him that she had long since moved past whatever skills her soon to be peers were used to dealing with.

His one exposed eye widened to its limit as he read over the file the Hokage had on Naruto’s abilities according to Tsunade, mind flying a mile a minute as he tried to figure out how to balance her with the other two members of her team that had been assigned to the cyclops.

“Best of luck Kakashi, you’ll need it.” The old man puffed on his pipe, looking out the window and across the nighttime Konoha rooftops to where the old Senju compound stood.


	2. Broken Team

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto meets her team and broken in this case doesn't mean overpowered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was originally going to be longer because I had more content I wanted to add but I'm going to be making that it's own chapter because this one wrapped up nicely in my opinion.
> 
> For reference because why not:  
> \- pineapple = Shikamaru  
> \- pinky = Sakura  
> \- gloomy = Sasuke  
> \- closet pervert = Iruka

Waking up covered in spiders would rank somewhere in the latter half of Naruto’s top thirty worst morning experiences.

The gut churning feeling of fear and discomfort however was to be expected as it was her first day of school... technically. She would also be assigned to a team of strangers she had never met but that didn’t quite bother her as much, she just hoped they could get along okay.

So after a lot of screaming and flailing about, Naruto was eventually mostly,  _ mostly _ , spider-free.

Her mother had promised to fix that and promise furthermore that construction crews would be coming later today to get started on the main house before they finally tucked into breakfast. The fact that they had cooked said breakfast on the old stove using some of the more dilapidated furniture for kindling and fuel had gone unmentioned during the early morning meal.

The hard part to Naruto’s morning was not in fact getting to the ninja academy or being assigned a team, it was getting out of the damn compound as her mother had devolved into a sobbing mess about her  _ baby  _ growing up… *sob, off to destroy people. There had been a lot of tears and fretting from the usually dignified sannin, and despite Naruto being both trained in the art of healing and bare fisted murder, not to mention being able to control her bones, she had still been crushed quite literally in the bone shattering hug that only continued to grow tighter as her mother tried to out-constrictor a python. If she didn’t have that previously aforementioned kekkei genkai she’d probably be dead, or at the very least have a skeleton made of fine sand.

It was only thanks to Shizu-nee reminding the elder blonde that she was needed at the hospital for something. After a quick, “Oh shit!’ Tsunade was on her way, leaving a puddle of her daughter behind. With her mother gone, Naruto was able to breathe.

“Thanks neesan.” Naruto wheezed out between gasps.

* * *

Ten minutes, that’s how long it took for someone to notice she had been in the classroom.

Okay, there had been that pineapple head who had shot her a suspicious look when he thought Naruto wasn’t looking, but he hadn’t actually said anything so he didn’t count.

Naruto had been one of the middling people to enter the classroom and despite her admittedly alien appearance, what with being whiter than a sheet and horned to literally top it all off, no one had said a word or done a thing. In fact, she might have gone completely unnoticed until whatever it was they did to assign teams was done.

Two loud girls, one a soft pink and the other a straw blonde, had barged in, jostling between themselves and declaring themselves first. They looked around, searching for someone. Eventually the pink haired girl found it.

But Naruto being Naruto, mistook the pinky running towards her as a friendly greeting/welcome to ninja school.

She had not been prepared to be yanked out of her seat and knocked down the stairs as the girl stared at the boy Naruto had sat by on a whim.

Thankfully the people were more preoccupied with watching what Naruto could only presume to be a daily occurrence than Naruto’s prone form on the floor.

Things only began to escalate further as more and more girls appeared from nowhere, sprouting up from the floorboards like fungus and fighting like rabid dogs over a juicy steak left out in the open.

Someone must have mistook her for competition as she was hoisted up and over the throng of hormonal girl’s heads without thought or effort and roughly crowd surfed to the edge, before being dumped hard onto the wooden floor.

She was busy rubbing the back of her head and contemplating the logistics of hiding the bodies in a ninja village when a hand found its way in front of her narrowed blue eyes. She had to hold back on the initial urge to crush the bones out of frustration and a little bit of retaliation.

What really sold her on not causing grievous bodily harm was the soft spoke, “Are you okay?”

And like a switch was flipped, Naruto happily replied with an affirmative hum, taking the offered limb and allowing herself to be hoisted up into a standing position.

The first thing to pop out of her filterless mouth upon making eye contact with her savior was, “Hey, we match!” While pointing from her own milky blue to the pair of pupiless lavender.

The next thing to pop into her brain but thankfully not out of her mouth was that she didn’t know the human body could turn that deep a shade of red… okay maybe she did.

But it was her first time seeing it on someone else!

“Hey, thanks for the help,” She started, trying to diffuse some of the awkward tension that occupied the bubble between the two milky eyed girls. “I’m Senju Naruto, nice to meet you!”

“Ah, my name is Hyuga Hinata, nice to meet you…” The girl practically whispered, straining even Naruto’s better than average hearing.

Hyuga… Hyuga… Hyuga....

“Wait, you mean  _ the  _ Hyuga?!” Naruto leaned in excitedly, forgoing any social awareness as she gripped the frightened girl’s head and turned it this way and that. Poor Hinata was too thrown off by the close proximity and the sparkling blue eyes that did indeed resemble the Byakugan to fully do much else then stutter.

“Senju-san- excuse me… but… can you…”

“Hey, hey, how does it work? I've never seen it before, and the diagrams just have an eye comparison to an average citizen’s. Can you really see threesixty degrees? What’s the strain like? Have any of your clans eyes just fallen out from trying to see too much? Man you guys must have some of the best perverts around. What happens if someone sneaks up on you, do you get shamed? Can you show it to me? I bet you guys would make the best medics. Hey wanna get ramen later? Shizu-nee told me about this great stand that makes it from scratch? Do you like ramen? I like ramen. Ne, ne, Hinata-chan, can I call you Hinata-chan? You wanna be friends? I’m new to town and never really had a long term friend before. But if you don’t like ramen I don’t think we can be friends… well, maybe. Have you ever thought of practicing medical ninjutsu? Or even just going into surgery and first aid? Are you excited to be a ninja? Have you ever gone gambling? We should go to a casino after this. That’s what normal teens do right? What if we…”

It.

Did not.

End.

It was a constant stream of words and the one sided conversation was more human interaction than Hinata got from others by about quadruple.

But there was one thing that kept playing on repeat in Hinata’s head.

_ Friend, she said friends, she wants to be friends. With me! _

It was all a little much, and Hinata would be lucky if she heard who her teammates would be as her brain was on the fast tract to being cooked thoroughly through.

“Settle down!” Their teacher lightly chastised them, and Naruto only realized a few seconds later that he was the closet pervert from her impromptu test the other day. But much like the rest of the class he didn’t seem to notice he had one more in for the day. “As of today you are all ninjas. To get here, you faced…” Naruto kind of got the gist of what he was saying, mostly waxing on about how proud he was of his students for graduating, but Naruto was very much unable to pay attention.

You see, Naruto already had a short attention span, and closet pervert had one of those voices that was too calm, too smooth, and with little variance in pitch. In other words, he had one of those voices that you’d fall asleep to if you had to listen for hours on end.

It was much easier to tune him out and mentally sing the skeleton song in her head while staring at the space just above his head so it looked like she was paying attention.

She already knew they’d be broken into three man squads she just didn’t know with who.

Looking out of the corner of her eye at Hinata, she guessed it would be nice to be with her, much better than the throng of mindless drones that had dropped her on her head just a few minutes ago.

Closet pervert began to list off names, but Naruto still couldn't pay attention. She tried, but his voice was just too smooth, too dangerous, he could probably cast genjutsu with that voice if he wanted to.

No wonder nobody recognized her as an intruder aside from pineapple head’s suspicious glance, with how easy it was for him to put students to sleep during a moment that should have been edge-of-your-seat exciting, it was a wonder any of them passed the exam to begin with.

She only heard her name, that was all she definitely heard from the man. “Hai!” She jumped in her seat, slightly caught off guard before she realized she was now the center of attention.

It was now her turn to show the class just how red the human body could turn out of sheer embarrassment. A multitude of whispers ran rampant, asking each other who the newbie was without anyone having a clue. All eyes were on her, but she was too embarrassed to see or note the distrustful glare directed at her from the class’ usually jovial sensei.

But closet pervert was experienced at getting rowdy ducklings back in line, expertly getting the attention back onto himself as he continued to list off the rest of Naruto’s team… she never did get the number…

“Haruno Sakura.”

No one else made an indication of who that was, most still had their attention on Naruto in the brief interlude of name calling.

“And Uchiha Sasuke.”

Judging by the way the pink haired one from earlier, the one that had thrown Naruto out of her seat, jumped for joy at the last name, that was Haruno Sakura.

Picking out Uchiha Sasuke was rather easy, as  _ presumably  _ Sakura glomped onto a jet black haired boy's side and began to relish and wax on about how it was meant to be. Asking him if he was glad to be on a team with her.

It only hit Naruto a second later that closet pervert, she really should learn his name at some point, had called  **Uchiha** Sasuke.

So trying to be subtle, and failing, Naruto leaned as far forward as she could to observe and analyze her mother’s clan's ancient rival. Her face looking all the while like an albino tortoise and a white raisin had a child that they left out in the sun for extra good wrinkly measure.

“...Senju-san…” A barely audible whisper floated up to Naruto’s ears.

“Hmm, did you say something Hinata-chan?”

The girl jumped in her seat, clearly not expecting Naruto to hear her.

“I’m just sad we won’t be…” Naruto nodded her head and leaned forward in increments with every bob as she tried harder and harder to hear the trailing off words of the very much now obviously shy girl.

“Come again?”

“Next, squad eight: Hyuga Hinata, Inuzuka Kiba, Aburame Shino.” The teacher called out before moving on.

“Mah, looks like we’ll be on different teams.” Naruto raised both arms in a casual what-of-it gesture, only to notice the sad look on her new friend’s face. “Ah, but don’t worry Hinata-chan, I’ll still hang out with you!” She tried to recover.

She had to guess she was successful with how the Hyuga smiled ever so slightly to herself, turning red and somehow shrinking ever so slightly further into herself, just a smidge.

But then the jonin began to arrive one by one and call out their team number’s.

Naruto made sure to pay attention, crossing off the number in her head and paying close attention to pinky and gloomy (Sakura and Sasuke) to ensure she didn’t make a further fool of herself.

Eventually, it was just them.

“Seven.” Naruto voiced out loud, drawing the attention of her two teammates who looked to her before each other. But neither said a word.

She had long since given up on being moderately presentable as her teammates proved to be worse conversationalists than a bear getting a jalapeno enema. The hour just seemed to drag on and on, and Naruto was beginning to think that the old man in the dress had played a prank on her. And then she got an idea, grabbing the eraser and jimmying the door just right before getting ready for phase two, despite her pink haired teammates' goody-two-shoes protests.

* * *

In Kakashi’s defense, he had to help get a kitten out of a tree, carry an old lady’s groceries to her house, then wait for an impromptu parade to pass by in the street.

Totally true and justifiably reasons for why he was an hour and fifteen minutes late to pick up his genin team.

Totally not an excuse.

He also made sure to note the eraser hanging above the door in a precarious position.

Mah, he could give his soon to be students some fun as a reward with putting up for his tardiness.

_ Poopf. _ The eraser hit his head with a cloud of chalk dust, honestly it wasn’t that different from his usual hair color. He picked it up, about to say his first impression of them, albeit a lie, when something else fell on him.

Okay,  _ fell _ might be a polite way of saying he was drenched in something thicker and much more viscous than water but also paradoxically soothing. Of course there were the myriad of slugs ranging from hand to garden variety size that slithered about his body.

Looking up, he found the smirking face of his sensei’s daughter hanging from the ceiling with an upturned bucket, presumably what held the slurry of slug and slime.

_ A shadow clone _ . He surmised when he turned to look at the ceiling’s doppelganger on the floor who was smiling triumphantly.

“Hm, how can I put this. My first impression of this group: you’re a bunch of idiots.”

There was a puff of smoke above him and then a clang as the bucket became a helmet to hide his exasperated face.

* * *

Though Kakashi should be paying attention to all his students equally, he couldn’t help it that his eyes invariably drifted back to one frighteningly white girl. She may resemble her late parents in body, but she was definitely dyed in the colors of her adopted mother, clothes aside, she acted and held herself very much like the legendary slug princess of Konoha.

So in an effort to keep the heat off him and possibly freak out a girl who, to her, had just met him for the first time, he tried an ice breaker.

Teachers did that, right?

At least his did.

“Since we’re going to be working with each other, why don’t you introduce yourselves one at a time?”

Three pairs of very different eyes stared back at him like he’d sprouted another head. Then again, he wasn’t entirely sure that there wasn’t a slug coming up over his shoulder, despite Naruto’s insistence that she had gotten rid of them.

He was just thankful that the slime didn’t cake to him and lacked a putrid odor.

“You know, things about you: things you like, things you hate, dreams for the future, hobbies, etc. Things like that.”

“Kakashi sensei?” Naruto raised her hand but didn’t wait for him to respond before asking him to introduce himself first.

Granted, he did ask and it was only proper of him, but then again this was mostly for their benefits as he already knew an extensive list of information on them.

“Me?” He casually asked, trying to figure out what he should tell them and what he should omit. “I’m Hatake Kakashi. Things I like and things I don’t like…” probably for the best, “I don’t feel like telling you. My dreams for the future-” Did he even have one? Much less deserve one after all his blunders. “never really thought about it. As for my hobbies,” the weight of his precious icha icha manga sat comfortably in his flak jacket. “I have lots of those.”

While Sasuke was much more reserved with his emotions, seemingly stuck on a sliding scale of indignant and annoyed, currently stuck on annoyed, Naruto and Sakura it seemed could hold conversation. Quietly conversing about Kakashi’s vague answers to his own question.

“All right, you on the right. How about you start off.” He instructed.

In a flash, Naruto was on her feet and jabbing a thumb to her chest with a wide beaming smile. “My name’s Senju Naruto. I really really like ramen: cup, bowl, or fresh from scrap, and I really hope to find a good shop soon. I also like gambling and traveling, but not camping outside. My hobbies are ranking the ramen stands of the five nations, although I’ve yet to really go outside the land of fire, and I also really really love scamming people out of their money at blackjack, poker, roulette, mahjong, you name it! As for dreams… I don’t really have one I guess!” She concluded with what Kakashi would admit was a cute turn of her head, long pale hair, almost white in the sunlight, spilling off to the side with the motion.

He nodded to himself, expecting as much from her file.

“Next.” He called out, looking to Haruno who took her cue to begin.

“Haruno Sakura! What I like… uh mean, the person I like is… My hobby is… My dream for the future is… KYAH!” Another fangirl. Kakashi would swear the academy had an infestation of them. Hopefully it wouldn’t prove too much a detriment and she’d grow out of it soon.

“And what do you hate?” Kakashi asked, feeling like he was talking to an excited five year old who was telling him all about their favorite bug.

“Ino pig.” She said with affirmative resolve.

* * *

“Haaa-haa-HACHEW!” Ino sneezed while sitting with her teammates, cursing Sakura and wondering if she should buy the kunai on sale for Sasuke from the store across from her family flower shop.

Of course neither of her brutish cavemen teammates thought to show their concern by saying ‘bless you.’

  
  


Meanwhile, from the disturbed perspective of the only other girl on top of the academy who could witness such an odd display was left to wonder if all members of the female species were like that. She was just begging that Hinata-chan wouldn’t be an Uchihaphile like her teammate.

* * *

With that interesting declaration from the pink haired female, Kakashi turned his attention to the child he believed would be the biggest handful.

Uchiha Sasuke.

“All right, last one.”

“My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I hate a lot of things, and I don’t particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream because I will make it reality. I’m going to restore my clan and destroy a certain someone.”

There was a long awkward pregnant pause after that declaration that affirmed Kakashi’s belief in who the biggest problem to work on would be.

What he didn’t expect was for Naruto to raise her hand and actually wait to be called on.

“Hai, Naruto.”

“Sensei! I think my team is broken!”


	3. Mom You'll Never Believe What Happened!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a very good reason you don't mess with Tsunade's baby girl.

Tsunade was elbow deep in some poor chunin that had suffered a _training accident_ and somehow swallowed three kunai, one storage scroll, a magnet, and a whole goddamn apple. She had gotten the kunai out, had found the magnet attached to one of them, and was in the process of getting the storage scroll out of him without it going off and dumping its contacts all throughout his internal organs.

The apple was fine where it was but he was going to be on a strict diet of prune juice for the next week or so.

But Tsunade’s biggest problem was her daughter who sat off to the side casually complaining about her day in spite of Tsunade being **elbow deep inside of someone!**

Granted, _big_ was relative as the surgery was a breeze to Tsunade and she was more than happy to listen to her baby girl vent about early teenager problems.

It was just a hassle between paying attention to one or the other.

“-seriously something is wrong with them. I asked them if they wanna get ramen with me and Hinata later and they blew me off, which, okay, to be fair we just met, but still, _rude_ . And for whatever reason duck butt hair just kept glaring at me, looking like he wanted to fight but too chicken to straight up ask for one. So I call him out on it, that and his shitty fowl haircut, and Sakura-chan jumps to his defense. I don’t get what’s so good about the great and auspicious _Uchiha Sasuke_ but I bet he could remove that stick and shoved up his ass on his own if his groupies weren’t all trying to get at it all at once. Did I tell you how Kakashi-sensei was late, cause let me tell-”

It was more like background noise to her at this point, something to help her through the monotony of her daily grind.

But the one thing to keep dancing on the periphery of her brain was the name, Uchiha, Uchiha Sasuke.

That name rang a bell and of course it was when she finally got the damn scroll, one of the larger variants, out of his intestines that the light bulb went off.

Uchiha Sasuke, brother of the infamous Uchiha Itachi. She was rather proud that the groan was only in her head and not actually coming out of her mouth.

Oh sensei better not need medical attention in the near future.

She could understand it to some degree, the decision for the team in theory. Hatake Kakashi, despite the average first impression, was a reliable ninja when it counted and generally knew what he was doing from what Tsunade knew about him. It made sense that the only sharingan user, albeit not one by birth, would be put in charge of the only Uchiha in the village. And speaking of sharingan, it would also help if the kyuubi broke free from the seal on Naruto, though Tsuande had faith in the Yondaime’s abilities. That or Hiruzen in his dawdling old age was probably attempting to build bridges and throw the Hatake a bone by letting him teach what was essentially his foster father’s daughter.

Fifty fifty on that one.

The only piece she couldn’t fit together was Haruno Sakura, a girl from a civilian family whose father had joined the shinobi forces and become a chunin before retiring. Not bad, but nothing spectacular. The best she could figure was that the girl was placed on a team with Sasuke and Naruto under the hopes that someone trained under a sannin, albeit the _wrong_ one, and an heir to one of Konoha’s founding clan’s would balance out the girl’s abysmal chakra quantity.

Don’t get Tsunade wrong, she had nothing against ninja from civilian families, it’s just that those who leaked large amounts of chakra naturally were forced to either sink or float.

Lucky for them that they were in peace times, albeit tense ones, with the other five nations. So Haruno had a decent cushion of time to find her niche and run with it.

Although with the current state of things…

  
“Sasuke-kun, let’s go to the movies together? Oh, you don’t want to do that Sasuke-kun, then let’s go shopping! No, you just want to go home alone, alright then, I’ll go with you Sasuke-kun!” Naruto had her hands clasped together and was currently imitating a swooning teen in the thrall of her hormones, her voice higher than it had any right to be as she sweetly imitated her teammate.

_Ah, another fangirl_. Tsunade noted, now stitching up her patient that still had an apple to shit out later. The academy seemed to have a problem with those even in her day.

She was just glad that Naruto had taken after her and focused on medicine rather than boys.

She could only pray that would last.

Rolling off her gloves with a snap and throwing them in the nearby trash bin. Tsunade chuckled to herself as Naruto continued to complain about her team, this time throwing Kakashi under the bus with how late he was along with how stupid he looked with only one eye. Calling into question the Hokage’s wise decision to throw someone depth perception-ally challenged in as her sensei, let alone anyone else's.

It was very reminiscent of when she complained to her grandfather about her team assignment, and she didn’t even have another clan shinobi on her team. Orochimaru had been an orphan and Jiraiya came from a civy family like Sakura.

Naruto shut up once she felt a hand on her head, wide pale blue eyes looking up at her adoptive mother with a questioning gaze. “What?” She asked in a suspiciously accusatory tone, stopping her tirade as pale blue met striking amber.

“Nothing,” The elder blonde once more chuckled, remembering something her grandfather had told her long ago, “just cut your team some slack, alright? Not everyone’s got an awesome mom like you do to train them from birth.”

“Fine.” Naruto harrumphed in the chair she pulled in from the hall, “but this chance I’m taking is one of yours, so don’t get annoyed when I start complaining about it falling through like the rest of your gambles.”

The cheeky brat was lucky all she got was a swift bop to the head and not her own hospital room with how she called Tsuande out like that, in front of the nursing staff that had come to wheel out her poor patient to top it all off.

* * *

Ramen with Hinata had been great, although conversation had been a one-sided affair in which Naruto had to keep the poor thing going along despite its best efforts to die an honorable death.

The ramen stand people had been extra nice, making Naruto’s tenth bowl free. Teuchi-san and Ayame-neesan were quick on their way to being in the top ten of Naruto’s favorite people, and Ichiraku had officially cemented its place as her top most favoritest ramen stand.

But then some asshole Hyuuga had to ruin the whole thing by dragging poor Hinata-chan away.

He was lucky that Hinata-chan was there to deter Naruto from breaking the individual bones of his hand for the way he gripped the poor shy girl. That and Hinata generally seemed more concerned for Naruto’s safety than the asshole.

This was all to say that her day was ending in a sour mood, going from meh, to great, to what the hell, back to meh, again to great, and finally on bad.

It was only five so she still had time to go to bed and get up at the ass crack of dawn to be on time to fuck if she knew where in this vilage. She should probably ask someone but that meant admitting that she didn’t know where it was.

She’d much rather stand outside the front door to her currently dilapidated home and wait the five seconds for Shizu-nee to sigh and give Naruto the directions.

She coughed as she walked through a random cloud of dust that smelled like gunpowder and kept trucking on to where she thought the Senju compound was.

“OI! Watch where you’re going! You could have killed me!”

“Ah?” She grunted, looking down at the shorter figure, which was saying something.

He was some poor brat that had been bulldozed by Naruto who hadn’t seen or noticed him in the random cloud of dust. A fine trail of heel prints marked his back and face from where Naruto had stepped on him.

“Then maybe don’t get in grownups ways.” She replied tersely, watching as the kid slowly picked himself up off the ground and finding not an ounce of empathy for the injuries she may or may not have justly caused.

“You’re not a grownup, you’re barely older than me! You’re just some kid!” He protested.

“Beg to differ shortstuff,” Man it felt great to be the taller person for once, “but this headband says differently.” She held up the piece of equipment that officially defined her as a Konoha shinobi.  
  
“That doesn't count! And you’re one to talk, shor-”

“You wanna finish that sentence, punk? Hah?!” She hoisted the brat up by his collar and looked him dead in the eye, sounding more like a yakuza gangster than the demure little lady she was.

The kid gulped as he watched the veins on her face throb in irritation.

It was either bravado or sheer idiocy for what came out of his mouth next.

“Do you know who I am? I’m the grandson of the Sandaime Hokage!”

Naruto continued to dangle him in the air, before lowering him ever so slightly to stare up at the stone monument that was visible throughout the village.

The kid thought that he had her pinned like the rest of the villagers, too afraid to go against his status. But in actuality, Naruto was just trying to figure out if the Sandaime was related to her or not based on the stony appearance of the third head.

When it clicked that the Sandaime was the old man that was responsible for dragging her away from the casinos, she let the brat have it as retribution against the old man.

With a swift chop to the head, she sent the brat face down into the hard packed dirt road.

Brushing her hands as she walked off.

Five streets, two back alleys, and one climb up a building later, and Naruto knew for sure that she had a stalker tailing her.

A closed fisted smack to the tree she was standing under sent the brat from earlier crashing back down to Earth.

“As expected of my rival…” The kid groaned standing up, making Naruto question when the bar had been lowered so far. She was honestly insulted that the brat thought so highly of himself.

“I see the rumors about you are true,” The kid stood tall. “All right, I’ll be your apprentice and you’ll be my teacher!”

…

“This is some kind of joke right?”

“Only someone who could beat me, the great Sarutobi Konohamaru, is worthy of being my teacher, you can start by- Oi, don’t walk away when I’m talking to you!”

“Kid,” Naruto turned heel, “can’t you get your grandpa to teach you?” Naruto was loath to admit it but the man was respected by her mother, to some strange degree, who was stronger than Naruto. Which meant that the old man might be just a teensy bit stronger than her.

“Honorable grandson!” A voice sounded out from somewhere in the maze of buildings.

“Shit!’ The kid swore, making Naruto snort. Unfortunately, the kid chose to hide behind her.

“Honorable grandson, where are- Honorable grandson!” The man finally appeared, spotting the kid’s poor attempt to hide half his body behind Naruto who was more than a little annoyed at this point.

Now, stop for a minute, a picture if you will, a small gauge. Something simple, with a nice red needle and varying numbers along the curved arc. Now, on the left end side place the words _closet pervert_ , and on the right _open pervert_. If you think that the opposite of a pervert is that there is none then you are sorely mistaken, they’re just a very vanilla pervert.

Now put that gauge inside of Naruto’s head.

Okay?

It’s there?

Good.

Now, take that red needle and smash it way the fuck past closet pervert.

Now you know what Naruto’s first impression of the man she would later be Ebisu was. It was a record, it truly was, Naruto had met just about every perv under the sun, but his guy screamed insecure about his tastes.

First of all, his clothing was far too chaste, a guy who covers up just about every inch of skin is usually hiding something. Secondly, the bandana screamed insecure about his hair. And finally… Only perverts wear dark tinted glasses like that on a daily basis.

That last one was hit or miss, though the misses tended to be weirdos.

And while one might think handing a child over to a perv was a bad idea, in Naruto’s expert knowledge of perverts, she knew this guy had way too big a stick shoved up his butt to do any harm. The most he would do is preach abstinence only sex education as he was too awkward about the subject himself to properly give an explanation on the ins and outs of the reproductive system without turning into a melted red mumbling mess.

That and Naruto doubted that he was the only one tailing the Hokage’s grandson if he was making such a ruckus.

“He’s all yours!” She cheerfully handed the boy over by the scruff of his outfit like an oversized kitten.

“Ah, thank you…” The man took the boy under the armpits before putting him back down, not quite knowing what to make of the handoff before he went on to scold the boy for running off. “Listen carefully,” Naruto turned to walk away, not really paying attention anymore now that the annoyance was largely dealt with. “You are the honorable grandson of the honorable Sandaime Hokage. You cannot let riff raff like that draw you into a fight, even if they deserve it. You see, she’s far beneath you. You mustn’t-”

The asshat was too busy pushing the blame for short-stuffs’ action onto Naruto to notice that he was turning a sweet innocent little girl into what a small village by the border of Rock and Fire referred to as The Angry Bodhisattva of the Red Night, long story.

“Riff raff?” Naruto cut the man off after she’d heard enough. “Draw him into a fight? You must be off your rocker to think I’d want to spar with the brat, much less fight him seriously. If anything, him being in my mere presence alone is lifting him up to my level.”

“What did you say about the honorable grandson of the Sandaime Hokage,” Naruto may not have put the brat’s name to memory but she was sure it wasn’t _The Honorable Grandson of the Third Hokage_ like the way this man talked would have you believe. “Who even are you?!”

“My name is Senju Naruto, believe it!”

“Senju Naruto…” The man muttered to himself, trying to place where that name rang a bell. “You don’t mean-”

His nose scrunched up in that way a lot of the ninja she’d dealt with over the past three days had done once they learned who she was.

It was really starting to irk her.

“I don’t know what you might have heard, but all you need to know is that I can beat a pervert like you without even touching him.”

“Pervert?!” The man sputtered.

“Ho? Shall I show you my ultimate technique then?” She widened her stance by stomping her foot into the dirt, cracking it a little for good effort.

The man was quick to get the brat behind him and pull out a weapon of his own, ready to throw down.

But Naruto hadn’t been lying about not needing to touch him.

A puff of smoke later and Naruto was gone.

“Ah, sensei, you’re so rough…” She whined in a high pitched needy voice, having transformed into a high quality oiran kneeling on the ground in a moment of weakness, robes barely held up as she tried to hide her shame beneath the soft red silk, revealing just the right amount of skin without being too graphic. You know what they say, more is less.

It was like watching three seconds in high excruciating detail.

First, the man froze, so too did the brat.

Next, a small trickle of blood leaked out of his left nostril.

Then, what could only be called a geyser spurted out from both nasal cavities and sent the man flying.

“Fifteen meters...” The disguised Naruto noted, “A new record.” She dropped the disguise, dusting her hands off once more as she turned to walk away.

There was a tug on her hair so she turned around with an expression that did nothing to hide her annoyance at the perpetrator.

“You destroyed my sensei, now you have to teach me!” The brat shoved his own slightly bleeding nose into her face with stars in his eyes.

…

“This is going to be one long night, isn’t it?”

* * *

Tsunade had a skip in her step and a song in heart as she trotted down the rows of numbered doors to her last appointment of the day.

Her contract with Hiruzen had been one sided but she couldn’t complain.

She had been given her old position as Chief of medicine after the last one had been hurriedly retired. She was being paid near triple what she would if she had never left the hospital all those years ago. And half of her daughter’s on duty days would be relegated to helping Tsunade with patients and surgeries to foster her skills as an Iryō-nin.

That was all on top of the usual healthcare and dental that all shinobi were afforded, the free refurbishing of the Senju compound so that not a cent left her pocket, two months of paid vacation, and the best bonnus of all!

Room Three forty two.

Tsunade fished around in her pockets, forgetting where she put the key, before remembering she had stuffed it down her bra for safe keeping. Removing the metal instrument from her bosom, she inserted it into the door and turned it. Listening to the soft click of the internal mechanisms shift before opening the door with a happy flourish.

The happy expression morphing to something unnaturally calm, empty, as if the world could burn around Tsunade and she could care less.

Her final appointment was strapped down to the metal observation table, propped up at a forty-five degree angle with a bit in his mouth to tamp down on the screaming. Beside him were a bevy of medical tools neatly and orderly laid out for use. And on either wall of the room was a veritable smorgasbord of torture tools and a few random items thrown in for good measure. There was even a note on the tray with standard medical tools letting the sannin know that T&I had a polar bear if she wanted to borrow it.

All she had to do was stroll her appointment down the halls of the Anbu base and open up door three twenty three. It was the one with a polar bear decal on it.

How nice, she’d have to send Ibiki a fruit basket for his thoughtful gesture.

“You know, I really should thank you,” Tsuande said with a cold tone, she couldn’t feel anything, picking up a random scalpel off the tray and inspecting it, noting that it was just slightly duller than she would have normally prefered. But this wasn’t normal now, was it?

“If you hadn’t fucked up all those years ago I would never have gotten to raise my cute little girl!” She said with a mirthless hum. “But it’s okay.” She picked up a small hook instrument that she thinks dentists used. “I fucked up more times than I can count raising her, but she turned out fine!” She laughed, all the stress that she had been holding in for the past twelve years coming full force to the surface.

She took the moment to compose herself by licking her teeth.

“But you know what I promised her, the day I fucked up the most, when I was at my lowest.” The man made a struggling motion, but the leather straps held firm, digging into his skin. Tsunade grabbed him by the jaw, using just enough pressure to slightly crack the bone without truly breaking it, forcefully directing his terrified eyes to her. “I promised that I would never fall through like that again, and that I would never ever go back on my word.” She growled darkly, shaking her head to emphasize her point. She sucked her teeth, “Which brings us back full circle.” 

Striding over to one wall, she observed her options. There was a flail, kinky, something that looked like a rusty farming instrument that was crusted over with some unidentifiable substance, and something she wasn’t quite sure what it was for, it was shiny and clean and covered in big sharp spikes.

She bent down and opened a cupboard, briefly hovering over an assortment of jars full of various creepy crawlies that should be nowhere near a human body. She let the silence hang in the air as she weighed her options, feeling the nervous eyes of her favorite patient never leave her back as he anticipated what treatment she would opt for.

She gently strode back to the observation table in the middle of the room, making sure to turn up the intensity of the light above their heads to eye searing levels.

“Do you know what my first promise to her was? The one I never thought I’d get to fulfil?”

She watched him squirm under her apathetic gaze.

She snorted. She always thought that she would feel something in this moment, triumphant joy, righteous anger, but all she felt was… nothing.

An instrument caught her eye, a simple tool that had the handle of a scalpel but that was where the similarities ended. The head of it was like a miniature mace, barely bigger than her pinky nail. On the handle were two simple words that told Tsunade everything she had to know about the instrument.

_Kidney stones_.

“I promised I’d bring the imbecile responsible close enough to the brink to envy the dead. But don’t worry,” Her cold hand patted the terrified man on the cheek, almost lovingly. “Mizuki, you and I are going to revolutionize the medical world!”

Said man was breathing heavy as Tsunade put down the tool to pick up the ever familiar scalpel.

“Aren’t you excited?”


	4. Just a Kid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think it gets a bit forgotten with everything going on, but she's still just a kid. She never asked to be a ninja, never even dreamed about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know it says crack in the title but that's mostly because of the whole wild AU aspect, I do intend to do some serious bits as I explore Naruto's, this Naruto's, psych and her own shortcomings.

For once, Kakashi was on time, well… relative to him at least. He had told his kids to be at training ground seven at five am and to not eat breakfast, a means to really push them in a fight and see just how desperate they were to be shinobi.

And maybe a tiny part of him did it because he likes having his bones in one piece.

So he was now leisurely strolling out of his apartment and down the scenic route to training ground seven.

The smell of ramen reached his nose long before he came across the famous Ichiraku stand. Maybe as condolences for his habitual tardiness he’d treat his cute little genin team to ramen in the future. He knew at least one of his genin liked it, and while he didn’t particularly care for the sodium rich noodles, but he wouldn’t be averse to treating himself to a meal now and then.

“Oi! Teuchi-san! Another bowl please!” Some happy girl called out, making Kakashi shake his head at the familiarity. It sounded so much like Naruto.

Wait a minute…

The sight of tiny heels and the bottom half of what looked suspiciously like the kanji for gambling were visible from under the partition curtain.

“Naruto?” He asked in disbelief, not quite believing that this twelve year old was truly brazen enough to disobey an order, even in spite of the council and Hokage forcing her into the forces.

She didn’t think that by not attending the test that she was going to be discharged right? Sasuke was questionable as the council was pushing harder for him to be admitted regardless of results even harder than having the jinchuriki, Sakura was up in the air as a civilian, but Naruto was ensured under the Hokage. The fact that she was trained by and raised by Tsunade for a substantial part of her life only further entrapped her as a genin.

“Ah, sensei,” She looked at him, busily slurping up noodles as she looked at him without a shred of guilt.

“I thought I told you to be at training ground seven… about,” He looked at the wall clock behind the counter, “five hours ago.”

“I got lost.” She replied, now drinking the broth at an easygoing pace.

“And the reason you're eating?”

“I didn’t have breakfast and was getting hungry.”

Kakashi sighed in defeat, trying to take the minor consolation that a full Naruto would be an easier opponent. But judging by the tower of empty bowls by her side, and the one on the way, that she probably wasn’t going to be weighed down and bloated.

* * *

It was hot, it was humid, and despite having Sasuke-kun all to herself without Ino-pig and that weirdo Naruto there to spoil the moment Sakura just couldn’t find the energy in herself to do anything. The gnawing sensation of her stomach digesting itself and the sticky layer of sweat she’d cultivated just by sitting under the hot sun had a nice correlation to her spiking anger.

In fact a traitorous part of her was a bit jealous of the Uchiha who stood stoically under the sun like it didn’t bother him.

The only reason she hadn’t had an outburst, much to the growing consternation of inner Sakura, was that she didn’t want to make a fool of herself in front of Sasuke-kun.

But when Kakashi-sensei appeared before the two starving genin in a puff of smoke, it was fair game.

“YOU’RE LATE!”

“Well I had to help a lost little girl who couldn’t find her way.” Kakashi held up Sakura’s errant teammate who was mightily annoyed for being called  _ little _ but couldn’t do much about it seeing as she was hogtied over the jonin’s shoulder to prevent escape. “Now then,” He said, dropping the girl onto the ground like a sack of bricks. “Let’s start.” He placed a normal everyday clock down on a nearby stump. “It’s set for noon. Your assignment is very simple,” He took out a pair of bells and jangled them in front of their faces, “you just have to take these bells from me. That’s all there is to it.”

He bounced the bells for good effect once more

“If you can’t get ‘em by noon when the timer rings, you go without lunch.” An unsettling feeling made itself known in Sakura’s stomach as her organ tried to voice it’s frustration at hearing what it could not possess. “And you’ll be tied to a post while I eat my lunch in front of you.”

The feeling became overwhelming as Sakura was forced to picture the sadist that was to be their sensei eating food after starving them for half the day.

Even Sasuke-kun who was practically invisible in Sakura’s eyes looked a little disturbed at the idea of being forced to not only lose his lunch, but be forced to watch someone else eat it.

The only one who didn’t look disturbed by this was…

“Naruto, how come you’re not freaking out?” Sakura asked the girl still tied up at the wrists and ankles who sat on the ground trying to undo the knot with her teeth.

“Huh,” The girl looked up, “Oh, I already ate before Kakashi-sensei tied me up.”

Any notion of helping the traitor get free flew right out the window once Sakura heard those words.

She could practically smell the ramen wafting off the pale skinned girl’s breath.

“Wait a minute!” She voiced aloud, noticing something funny, “There’s three of us. How come there’s only two bells?”

“Well that way at least one of you will be tied up to a post, and have their first mission qualified as a complete failure.” He jangled the bells once more, giving them all a smile with his one eye. “That one goes back to the academy. But who knows, maybe only one of you passes and the other two goes to the academy. Now that I think of it, if you all failed then I’d have a free block of time to do more important things too.” The man actually seemed happier at the last idea, practically proposing that they fail so that he could likely goof off.

“You can use whatever is at your disposal, jutsu, shuriken, taijutsu,” His voice started out jovial. But the more options he listed the more Sakura worried, while she could pull off the academy jutsus just fine, those wouldn’t be enough to beat a jonin, and her general skills were a bit on the average side compared to the rest of her class. But it’s what Kakashi-sensei said next that really worried her, “but if you’re not prepared to kill me you won’t be able to take these bells.”

Sasuke-kun might be fine, he was driven and could do anything, but Sakura highly doubted she could do much more than be frightened of the man in a fight.

This was totally unfair.

“When I say start, you can begin.” He told them with a neutral voice.

“Get ready,” Sakura got into a fighting stance, mimicking Sasuke who was a hair quicker than her.

“Hey, wait a minute, someone untie me damnit!” Naruto began to wriggle against her constraints on the ground like a worm, kicking up dust.

Kakashi raised his hand to give a visual signal, “...and… start!” Both Sakura and Sasuke left Naruto still on the ground and in the open.

* * *

_ Well then understand that much. _ Kakashi scratched the back of his head as he silently appraised his genin team, noting where they had hidden, or in one specific case, not. He sighed to himself, already dreading this but figuring it would be best to confront her directly rather than give her any time to come up with an adequate strategy. The fact that it took an entire squad of Anbu more than half a day to capture the sannin and her daughter after first contact didn’t bode well for him if he didn’t keep the girl on her toes.

“You don’t have to pretend anymore, Naruto-chan, it’s just you and me!” He encouraged in a high voice.

The girl made a pensive face at him, puckering her lips up at him while indicating with her head towards the chords of ninja wire that bound her arms and legs.

“Come on now, it’s not very believable that one taught by a sannin wouldn’t know at least one trick to get out of a simple bind?”

He had been expecting her to break out using the thousand fists, making untie or cut the knot with a kunai, heck, bite through the wire at least. What he did not expect but should’ve after yesterday's bucket prank was for Naruto to vanish in a puff of smoke, leaving behind two piles of knotted thread.

_ Kage Bunshin! _ Kakashi leapt back, reaching into his pocket and fingering the kunai kept inside, expanding his senses in an effort to detect the hidden girl while keeping an eye on his other two students in case of a surprise attack.

The slightest vibration tipped him off to an assault from below, leaping into the air and executing a summersault, Kakashi positioned himself just right to watch a pale hand hold the air in a tightfisted grip.

“Nice try, Narutoohh-” Kakashi really should have seen it coming, but instead while he remained airborne after getting thrown he decided to congratulate the girl for her persistence with the shadow clone technique rather than beat himself for falling for the same trick twice in under half a minute.

At least Naruto was having fun judging by her wicked smile and the mischievous glint in her eye.

But that tiny idea of anything being innocent died the moment his feet got stuck in a quagmire. His mind furiously ran through all the ways in which Naruto could have pulled this off without him noticing, but then he remembered the shadow clones and realized that there were more than likely a couple dozen tucked away waiting for the right moment. As if to confirm this, the shadow clone that cast this jutsu was forced to pop after expanding all the chakra stored in it to pull the massive A grade skill off.

“Ne, ne, Kakashi-sensei!?” The sweet bird-like voice of Naruto chirped, sounding far too innocent for Kakashi’s liking. Naruto’s head was tilted innocuously to the side, hair swaying with the motion, one hand was hidden behind her back while the other held a colorful temari ball decorated with bright pink cactus flowers over a sandy desert background. “Do you wanna play a game?”

She didn’t let him answer before striking the ball with her foot, the air rippled from the impact and Kakashi was forced to bend at a ninety degree angle to avoid losing his head. The tree the ball hit was utterly destroyed as it never took the time to learn proper dodging technique.

“Ah, Kakashi-sensei, you’re supposed to hit the ball back!” Naruto poo-poo’d, “It’s okay though!” She pulled out the object from behind her back, a storage scroll. “I have nine more!” She gave him an open mouthed heart shaped smile before kicking the colorful blue ball with cat prints towards his right. He leaned far to the left to avoid, desperately trying to get his feet free from the sticky mud.

Another ball came at his head, a green one with sea turtles.

He managed to get his foot free, taking one shaky step which got it stuck again, this time his back was to the tiny terror and it was only through years of training and life or death situations that he dodged the next one. He only caught a glimpse of a grinning monkey’s face before he freed himself once more.

This time he didn’t get sucked back in which gave him the added benefit of being able to properly dodge the next wave of projectiles.

He ducked, a temari with horseshoes flew over his head, rustling his hair with the jet stream it created in its wake.

Two came at him next, one with snails and slugs and the other with fireflies, he leaped high into the air, pulling off a perfect split in the process.

Next came one that was detailed enough to look like it was a tangled up octopus and not a ball decorated with tentacles, he crouched low, pumping a greater amount of chakra to his extremities to keep from sinking into the mud than he’d use to water walk.

The ninth one had cute little foxes and Kakashi mistakenly believed that it was coming at him slower than the rest. But as he moved to intercept this one, he found out the hard way just because he had gotten used to the speed of the first eight didn’t mean that the ninth was moving at a speed anyone sane should be able to handle.

The worst part was the ground would have been a nice thing to hit. He’d just skid across it and recover as best he could.

But the ground was now a deadly quagmire that did its best to suck whatever joy and hope of getting out of this test with his bones intact.

It was like hitting oobleck, the moment his face made contact the mud hardened to be as strong as concrete, and Kakashi’s face was dragged across the unforgiving terrain for a good fifteen meters before he hit the edge and was sent tumbling into the air.

This time he was prepared, making as best a recovery as he could to prepare for Naruto’s next attack.

Of course, while he was familiarizing himself with the fundamentals of gravity, Naruto was getting ready as well.

“Slow!”

Naruto apparently took  _ come at me with the intent to kill _ seriously as she slammed a tree thicker than Kakashi down right where the man had been a moment ago.

One shunshin later and Kakashi was able to praise whatever deity saw fit to save him from the safety of a tree branch.

And praise he gave them as he witnessed the ground get torn up like a meteor had impacted it instead of a tiny girl barely taller than his hip armed with an extra large stick.

Was it a little too much to ask Tsunade-sama to not teach children that?

While Naruto began to literally upturn boulders the size of Kakashi’s living room, the one eyed jonin pulled out a little booklet from his pouch.

No not that one. God he wished he could pull out that one and tease her, but then Kakashi didn’t fancy getting his head ripped off and reattached by the same menacing gremlin in the span of five minutes.

No, this one was a specific packet that covered the strengths and weaknesses of each genin. It was mostly just to familiarize the possible sensei’s before the test so they could adequately gauge their skills. Most left it at home once they were done, but then again most weren’t faced with a tiny horned devil that if the rumors were true had led many businesses and casinos into bankruptcy and ruin with a single toss of the dice.

So while Kakashi read, mood dropping lower and lower as he realized that the swamp wasn’t even Naruto’s A game, he popped off a few shadow clones of his own that were to engage the girl one at a time while keeping distance, sunshining in if one of them got poofed to give off the impression that Kakashi had simply used a substitution technique.

Chakra: A

Of course, of course she had jonin level chakra, of course. And she hadn’t even scratched the biju chakra did she? Oh god, oh god…

Does she…

She did.

Tsunade had seen fit to make sure Naruto knew the Strength of a Hundred Seal. Great, and while he hadn’t seen the diamond, he wasn’t going to take any chances.

Taijutsu… already knew that, based on the earth being tossed around in chunks the size of oxen.

Seal knowledge, a bit higher than the average genin but standard chunin level. Meaning that Naruto knew to make storage scrolls and explosion tags.

Good to know.

Speed: C

Although it had an interesting note in the margin: can build up to A if given enough room and a straight path.

Genjutsu… this could work.

While Naruto could cast most mid tier genjutsu, and even a few jonin ranked ones, she was paradoxically bad at recognizing them.

The only question for Kakashi was how he was going to cast it? Obviously he could use the sharingan, but then again it felt just a tad bit too overkill to use it against a genin, regardless of the fact she’d nearly delimbed him several times in the past five minutes.

But as he felt his last shadow clone pop, Kakashi knew he was in for some bruising.

After one last prayer to every deity Kakashi knew off the top of his head, he was off.

* * *

Kakashi-sensei did it.

Somehow he did it.

Kakashi managed to knock Naruto out, leaving her standing in the middle of the… well Sakura wasn’t quite sure as it looked like a giant blender had descended onto the field in the thirty minutes of fighting it took Kakashi to subdue the foreign girl.

He actually looked winded.

This was her chance!

All she had to do was rush out there and grab the bells while Kakashi-sensei was recovering and she could-

An army of shuriken and kunai flew through the air and impaled their sensei.

Only for it to be revealed a moment later that it was a substitution jutsu.

But if the projectiles missed then…

Sasuke-kun was revealed!

Running as fast as she could, Sakura did her best to figure out where the lone Uchiha would retreat to to recoup before confronting the silver haired jonin. There was no way that Kakashi could capture Sasuke so easily, especially after it took him so long to beat that one girl. But that didn’t mean Sakura and him couldn’t take the man on together.

Then they’d be the ones with the bell and that Naruto girl would go back to wherever she came from.

If nothing else, Sakura had to make sure at least Sasuke passed.

Then maybe- then maybe…

There!

Kakashi-sensei!

Wait, what was he-

“Sakura, behind you.”

* * *

_ “Better wins!” _

_ It sure didn’t feel like a win. _

_ Naruto had been gambling for over half an hour now and she wasn’t sure what was going on. _

_ She was sure she had to be somewhere, that much she knew. _

_ But for the life of her she couldn’t remember. _

_ Ah well, so long as she could gamble she was- _

...

“Naruto.” A sharp stab to her arm and Naruto was brought back rocketing to reality.

Of course rather than ask where she was, or what was going on, or who goes there… her first question was, “Where’s my money!” Head swinging wildly about as she sought out her winnings.

“Come again?” Their confused and bruised sensei asked, looking dirty as all hell and a little bit sheepish.

“But I was- the casino- and my- what did you- My money!” She settled on.

She knew what had happened, she’d always been shit at detecting genjutsu, something about having a too trusting nature and not being suspicious enough. But when you’re ninety nine point nine nine nine nine nine percent guaranteed to come out on top of most chance based encounters, you tend to not look a gift horse in the mouth. So as the memories came back to her and she realized it had all been a trick, she pouted, crossing her arms and legs as she sat there stewing on the ground.

“So what now?”

“Well it’s back to the academy… all three of you.” Kakashi told her, pulling out an orange book and reading from it.

“All… three?” Naruto mumbled, looking for her supposed teammates and finding them tied up to log posts. Sakura looked heartbroken but Sasuke looked down right murderous at the mention of going back to the academy. With a groan, Naruto laid back down on the grass, already hearing her mom’s cackle at failing and knowing that the next week would be hell as the woman whipped her into shape.

There was the brief hope that maybe this would mean that life could go back to the way it used to be.

She blew a long strand of platinum blonde hair out of her face, watching the clouds pass overhead as the natural feeling of shame made itself known in the pit of her gut. This wasn’t the first time Naruto had messed something up, oh no, she’d done that plenty. With far more important things too!

But those things had been important to her and minor in the grand scheme of things.

Things like trying to win that stupid goldfish game, the one thing she sucked at because it was totally rigged.

Trying to master a new technique and getting blown up in the process.

That time she’d actually lost their entire savings after winning big because she was going around and fell into a fast moving river...

This though… this wasn’t about her.

_ Mom got dragged back here because she adopted me _ ! There was a feeling of grass beneath her fingers, a second later and she realized that she was holding the blades so tightly she’d not only dug deep crescents into her palm but actually drawn blood.

“Don’t worry, I’m not gonna send you back to the academy.” Kakashi gave them all an eye smile.

But while Sakura and Sasuke were looking a bit up at the prospects, believing themselves to have passed by some miracle, all Naruto could feel was dread.

Konoha wanted her for something, something inside her from what she’d gathered from the adults whispering when they thought she wasn’t in ear shot. She’d seen the CRA, she also knew that the Hokage had the power to… detain, certain individuals with valuable bloodlines if they didn’t want to cooperate. But it wasn’t her bone techniques, although the thought of being turned into breeding stock terrified her.

No it was something else, but for once mom had stayed mum about it. And that only terrified Naruto even further.

“I’m dropping you all from the program!”

They were all terrified now, though for very different reasons. Sasuke and Sakura were on the brink of an existential crisis as the future they’d always thought they’d have was being ripped away. But Naruto’s heart was racing like a god damn rabbit in the jaws of a starving wolf.

“What’ll… what’ll happen to me?”

Kakashi wasn’t looking at her, neither were her teammates but they didn’t matter, not now, not when Naruto was fearing for not only her own life but her mom and Shizu-nee and Tonton and… she was terrified like she’d never been before.

Knees to her chest and huddled in on herself, fingers laced to tamp down on the terror that threatened to escape down her arms and seize control of her body.

There was screaming, but Naruto couldn’t care, couldn’t hear.

She’d already been ripped away from a life she thought she’d always have, forced into a role that was foreign to her and given expectation she couldn’t begin to understand because no one had told her why.

Why had she been abandoned?

Why did Konoha want her?

What would they do to her and her family if she failed those expectations?

But the three others continued on oblivious, “You don’t know what it means to be a ninja.” What did she care, she never wanted to be one. “You think it’s a game, huh?” No, no she did not. Naruto knew full well this was a match of life or death, if you weren’t ready to put your life on the line you’d be killed in the line of action and no one would care but the family you’d left behind. So that’s why she did her damndest, setting traps with clones and trying to stop the jonin from moving so she could swipe a bell. “Why do you think we put you-”

What would they do?

What would they do?

She had to-

“Naruto… Naruto… Naruto!”

“Hmm?” She came up, shoving everything into a tiny box and shoving it into the very back of her mind to be forgotten.

Kakashi was looking at her, her mind too hazy to place the emotions she could pick up on from the very limited amount of face available. His brow was low and his eye was narrowed. Had she messed up again? Was this important.

“What did you say?” She tried to look sheepish, throwing in an unsteady laugh while scratching the side of her face.

He sighed, “Nothing, I’m going to go turn in some paperwork and report to the Hokage, then,” he stressed the word, “I’m going to give you guys another chance to run through it again.” She nodded, mind still too numb to properly recognize what he was saying as every word came to her five seconds too late. “And while I know you’ve eaten before,” he looked at her with only slight irritation while she continued to act flustered about that earlier incident, “you’re free to eat the food I brought, but you cannot share it with your teammates.”

They stared at each other for a while as Naruto didn’t quite know how to respond.

“Okay?” She settled on, mouth thankfully moving before her brain.

And then he left, just like that, leaving Naruto along with a tied up Sasuke and Sakura. Not quite knowing what was going on but knowing that there was now a chance, however slim.

And it didn’t matter how slim or narrow a possibility, if it meant that Naruto would win then she’d take it. Especially if backed into a corner.

Mind made up and working more on autopilot, she got up and quickly threw off the lid to the bento, a half baked plan that was one part idiotic, one part insane, and one part pure blissful genius.

But it was a plan that she was going to make work no matter what.

Two bento, for two teammates, she popped a clone into existence and got to work.

“What are you-” Sakura tried to protest but soon found herself with a mouthful of rice.

“Shut up and start eating,” She barely recognized her own voice, not knowing it could drop so low and cold but she couldn’t care while her heart beat faster than a hummingbird, “You two are hungry, he knows our skills and weaknesses, and we stand no chance alone. I don’t care if he said I can't, rules are meant to be broken, now shut up and eat while I explain the plan.”

“I’ll hold him off, you guys hide and throw support, if I look like I’m in trouble, Sasuke come help.”

“What do I do?!” Sakura begged through a mouthful of rice, a mistake as Naruto took her ability to speak as an opportunity to shove a large helping of vegetables in.

“Your job is to grab the bells at the first opportunity, if you can’t fall back and wait again.”

There was a burst of Chakra and Naruto didn’t waste a second to hesitation, rearing back a fist and smashing it into the ground. Body wired on adrenaline and sheer animalistic determination, she moved on autopilot dashing into the dust and extending her hands, feeling the bones protrude from her palms to form two makeshift weapons about the length of her forearm. The tips were sharp and despite being made of bone the material was infused with her chakra and stronger than steel.

She found resistance, blunt bone meeting sharpened steel as she came face to face with an enraged Kakashi. Behind her, the clone she left to feed Sasuke had already undone his bindings and was quick to cut Sakura’s before vaulting over Kakashi and herself to cover his flank and prevent escape. The clones weren’t durable enough to do the bone technique but the kunai they came equipped with was a match for the real deal.

The air was tense as Naruto stared Kakashi right in the one eye with a desperate fury that bordered on unrestrained typhoon with its intensity. The jonin met her heated gaze with one of his own, making sure to maintain eye contact.

Good, that gave Sakura and Sasuke a chance to-

_ What are they doing!? _

Her two teammates pulled a pincer maneuver, going around her and flanking either of the cyclops' sides before narrowing in on their target, kunai drawn.

Gritting her teeth, Naruto moved as well, honing her every last sense in on the man to prevent him from escaping while the clone monitored for them on the off chance he did.

It happened faster than she could witness.

One minute the man was in front of them, the next there was a cold sharp material biting into Naruto’s neck, not deep enough to draw blood but enough to make her breathing stop all together.

“Do you know what this means, now that you went against my orders.”

Her heart was pounding so hard she swore the others must have been able to hear it.

Nobody moved.

“... You passed!”

She had to catch herself from fainting, the kunai dropped from her jugular and allowed her to collapse to the dusty ground and catch her breath without fear of slicing her throat open. She felt bile rising in the back of her throat but refused to let it out, swallowing it back down with everything she could muster.

“What do you mean, passed?”

“You’re the first squad to succeed. The others did exactly as I said and paid the consequences for it. They couldn’t think for themselves and kept sabotaging each other at every turn.  _ A ninja must be able to see through deception. _ In the ninja world, those who break the rules are scum. True… but those who abandon their friends are worse than scum.”

It was all very inspirational, but Naruto couldn’t pay attention, too busy trying to breath and not break down into a sobbing mess, all too thankful that she hadn’t fucked up. Only becoming aware of the tears streaming from her face when the ground had become sufficiently damp.

“Naruto, are you okay?” Someone asked, she didn’t care to figure out who.

“Yeah, just a shit ton of dust in my eyes.” She hurried to recover, wiping her face and willing her tear ducts shut.

“And the veins?” It was Kakashi, Sasuke and Sakura long gone now after being told that their first mission would start tomorrow.

“Ah, they pop up whenever I get too worked up.” She patted herself down, never quite sure what to do when they flared up. Taking a few deep breaths, she tried as best she could to relax and bring her still hammering heartbeat back down to normal.

“... I see.” Well, Kakashi turned on his heel, “just making sure you heard, here again, seven a.m., you can eat breakfast, just don’t let me catch you at Ichiraku ramen when you shouldn’t be!” And with that he was off in a swirl of leaves.

No questions about why she might be crying.

Nor about how she actually contemplated the thought of killing the man before striking.

And he had dropped it, leaving Naruto alone to sit down and just… take a breath. The simplest thing she could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As mentioned in the summary, I think with everything going on in this AU that we forget that Naruto is still just a kid. Her mother rarely talked about being a ninja and if she did it was in the context of hanging with friends as Tsunade was still packing a lot of baggage for much of Naruto's childhood. And Naruto had never really given a thought to the future, she had always assumed it would be her and her family gambling forever. The whole idea of a world where she might go extended periods of time away from her family is very much alien to her as it's all she's known since she could remember. She doesn't know about the kyuubi, though Tsunade does and is under duress from Hiruzen to keep mum about it for now, and has no idea why Konoha ight want her. She's a smart gal and she definitely remembers the bone incident and Tsunade and Shizune sitting her down to explain kekkei genkais in greater detail but knows that the then possible clan is not affiliated with Konoha or any other village. All she knows is Konoha wants her and that they are willing to do a lot to keep her.
> 
> Also, because I know people can do math, Naruto does have ten temari balls but she only used nine.
> 
> Feel free to ask questions, I love interacting with you guys in the section below.
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated and stay safe!


	5. Don't Call Me Short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Naruto makes another friend, and god help us with that.
> 
> Meanwhile Sakura provides an unreliable narrator to the journey to waves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm putting this here and I want everyone to read it:
> 
> I AM NOT SAKURA BASHING.
> 
> I actually like the character once you move past her and the whole Sasuke thing. But we all have to admit that Sakura is more than useless in the first part of Naruto. I personally think that Kishimoto kind of shot her character concept in the foot in favor of Naruto and Sasuke's relationship and their many flashy powerups. I do have growth planned for her later but at the moment she's pretty one dimensional.

Many who knew Morino Ibiki would say he was a sick sadistic bastard that had a minor addiction to schadenfreude… okay a major addiction to the misery of other people. No one except a few brave, or rather foolish, jonin that worked beside the man dared to think of what dark and twisted things the terror of T&I did in his free time.

Did he have his own personal torture dungeon hidden below his house in his basement?

Not the fun kind with fuzzy pink handcuffs and a riding crop, though he did have those, but the serious kind where blood coated the walls in a coppery paint and bits of teeth and bone littered the floor hiding in the cracks of the stone masonry.

They probably thought his walls would be lined with gruesome pictures of his victims, and he’d have a list that covered his wall of all the people he wanted to take out!

In actuality, Morino Ibiki’s apartment could be considered sparsely decorated if not spartanesque. Though he had a fair few non-sinister, non-man-eating plants that kept him company.

No.

Morino Ibiki was the rare nin that could compartmentalize his professional and personal life better than anyone. Once he was done for the day he would hang up his coat and take out the classical literature novel he had borrowed from the library. It was a quiet life with the only small intersection being his side hobby of scaring the crap out of people who recognized him in the streets as the head of T&I.

The old lady that lived next door knew he was a ninja but left it at that, treating Ibiki with the utmost respect and kindness. The two would often have tea and biscuits and discuss literature when they had the time.

But I digress.

The point is, Ibiki was the one golden exception to the shinobi world that did not define himself as a shinobi off the clock.

When he was done for the day, he was simply Morino Ibiki.

A quiet recluse with too many potted plants and a voracious appetite for fine literature.

At least that was before the somewhat-blonde horned menace that was Senju Naruto decided to not only trample his line of business and work but blur it so well Ibiki found himself giving his confused elderly neighbor a thorough questioning on how the green lamp in the book had a much deeper meaning to it than being a simple green lamp.

Side note, it was a simple green lamp but I digress once more.

The tiny second coming of Tsunade herself had at some point decided to make Ibiki the object of her vengeful wrath and interrupt his normally orderly and streamlined day and turn it into a seven war trainwreck that involved a lot of orange paint and a veritable biblical plague of slugs.

It started small at first, almost to the point that the meticulous T&I aficionado was about to call in a psych eval because his shoes were never where he left them, or he kept bumping into furniture, or his silverware would be rearranged imperceptibly. Small things that could be chalked up to the man overworking himself to the point of having a hard time distinguishing the reality of home life from his work.

But then it got amped up to an garishly orange painted eleven with a sticky side of slugs.

The moment Ibiki knew that he was being messed with was when his entire apartment was rearranged to where the ceiling and floor had been perfectly reversed without anyone noticing. Not his elderly neighbor, who he profusely apologized to for the impromptu interrogation with a batch of home baked cookies (his mother’s recipe), but also his shinobi neighbors who didn’t report anything back once the man had set out to question them for possible leads.

Nothing was wrong in a threatening way, but it was highly disturbing, and a serious red flag, that someone had gotten into a jonin’s apartment and done so much damage without anyone noticing.

To repeat and help further explain the gravity of the situation.

Someone managed to break into a jonin’s house who lived in an apartment complex surrounded with other capable shinobi, who often had conflicting schedules ensuring one would be present at any given moment, and not get caught. Not only that, but they had broken into Ibiki’s apartment, the head of T&I, where the windows were sealed shut with a complicated fuinjutsu that would make even the toad sannin blush and not to mention the plethora of booby traps and hidden dangers that were not only left immaculate despite the furniture fiasco, but were also perfectly rearranged as well to reflect his furniture’s new angle on life.

Then as if that wasn’t bad enough, someone had broken into his offices at both the ANBU headquarters and the T&I facilities and given his personal rooms a bright orange paint job.

His list had narrowed down to likely subjects but no concrete hunch yet.

But the clue to give it all was one of the tinier mishaps.

An incident in which the culprit had left Ibiki to put his sock covered foot into a boot filled with just the right amount of slime to where Ibiki wouldn’t notice upon picking up his footwear.

Now, at this point, one might be thinking that the head of T&I would be in a homicidal rage after what was essentially two weeks of brutal hell.

But Ibiki was a man of humor, dark humor, but humor nonetheless.

And he was not only able to wait and bide his time while laughing at how the perpetrator had pulled a fast one on him, but also compile a list of where he, and pretty much the entity of ANBU, needed to step up to cover and future security breaches.

So one day, after pulling some strings of his own and securing a meeting with the village’s unaware Jinchuriki, Ibiki confronted said tormentor with a stack of paperwork a mile how and a sadistic triumphant smirk on his face.

He didn’t just want evidence to pin down the young Senju, he wanted to sit down with the girls and explore just what her plans were so he could be better prepared for a more serious scenario in the future.

But the best part of it all that fateful day while sitting across from the girl in a private room in the Hokage tower with a set of tea and a stack of paper that weighed more than double the small slip of a girl?

Her reasoning for singling him out amongst the thousands of other Konoha civilians and shinobi.

“Well you called me short.”

Watching the girl cross her arms and pout with something that had no right to be so adorable seeing as it came from a girl that could have definitely killed Ibiki in his sleep if she wanted to. Her cheeks puffing out and a slight red blush overtook her features.

It was all the confirmation that Ibiki needed to know that he had won the game in the end.

* * *

One of Naruto’s favorite things to do was abuse her blatant powers of nepotism to escape the miserableness that was D-rank missions. Half of them she was exempt from in order to better hone her medical prowess seeing as she was far far far far far… far, above the average curve of practical skills and combat. But that didn’t mean she was completely exempt from them.

They did build teamwork and help to better coordinate their three-man squad group tactics.

So she begrudgingly helped her still very much annoying teammates when the mission called for it.

It was one such mission, capturing that mangy cat that Naruto was seriously debating on turning into a shamisen before Kakashi-sensei saved the fuzzy gremlin from the white girl’s bone crushing grip.

Seriously, it didn’t matter that she could heal the scratches that littered her face with practiced ease, that shit hurt!

So her already short temper was just being cut shorter as her valuable time was about to be wasted on things that really didn’t need a ninja’s attention.

Seriously, babysitting she could slightly understand to a degree  **if** the vicious snot goblins were from a ninja family, but pulling out potatoes? Helping an old lady shop?

“I want a real mission! I’m sick of being stuck at the hospital or helping some rando move his furniture! Something challenging, with excitement and daring danger… and gambling! I’ve got an itch to travel and schmooze people out of their hard earned cash that you can’t get in a town where everyone knows who you are!”

Her teammates and sensei were not impressed by her outburst, though they silently agreed with her assessment… mostly.

The closet pervert that tested her all those weeks ago was there for some reason, and he was saying something in an angry outburst, likely to scold Naruto for her transgressions. But honestly he just had a voice that even angry threatened to put Naruto to sleep.

Something about her teammates… and her, still being genin and not ready for a higher ranking with little experience.

First of all, rude, Naruto was easily of chunin ability though she had yet to point that out seeing as her mother had already given her the talk that chunin was about power but leadership and integrity and blah blah blah.

Second, how could they gain experience if they were not allowed to challenge themselves?

Naruto may not need that much in terms of combat training, but even she didn’t know what it felt like to fight for your life and risk everything for the jerk paying them.

And no, the debt collectors, while vicious sharks that ranked barely below mosquito in terms of annoyance (and that was an insult to mosquitos everywhere), they had never come close to actually carrying out their empty threats of killing them if they didn’t pay up.

Not even close.

Now the old man was explaining stuff to her. And while she could much better understand him, and had just enough wherewithal to hold back on a deep moan and pretend to be paying attention, it all felt very patronizing as he explained the importance of missions and the subtle differences between ranking.

But Naruto had her limits…

“So I tried out this new place that served ramen, but they don’t specialize so it was sub-par in comparison to Ichiraku. So I’m thinking of hitting up this other place I heard of from some swirly cheeks before going back to my usual.”

“Pay attention!”

“Mission this, experience that,” Maybe she should hold her tongue before she lost it for letting it wag like she did… but who are we kidding? “Just because you’re mom’s sensei don’t think I’m going to just go along with what you say! What’s the point in draggin me here if you’re not even gonna make use of me properly as a ninja and send me on a mission worthy of my talents? At least make the missions medical related if you have to!” She crossed her arms and stuck up her nose in defiance. Completely oblivious to the reprimanding that was likely coming her poor sensei’s way for her disobedience.

And speaking of perverts like her poor sensei, the two main witnesses to her little show were having two very different reactions to her summary of her skills.

Closet pervert was a few kettles short of blowing steam out of his ears, while the Hokage was not at all perturbed. If anything, the man was in good humor about the indignant display of emotions. Reminded all too much about a certain blond princess many years back who would act much the same, to her grandfather no less.

“Very well then, since you and your team are so eager to be put to use,” She didn’t say anything about them. “I’m going to give you a C-ranked mission we just received. A simple bodyguard mission, I hope that’s not too difficult for a shinobi of your caliber?”

It was like flipping a familiar switch for the old man, watching as Naruto’s face lit up at the prospect of getting out of the village and having some fun.

“Really?! Where are we going? Who is it?! Do I get to beat people up?! Does the place have a casino?!”

“Hai, send in the contractor!”

Admittedly, Naruto should once again have been paying attention.

But she couldn’t care less about the client so much as getting out of Konoha for a breath of fresh air. She had never been in one place for more than three months since she had turned four and she was getting antsy. Even her time training in the mountains hadn’t been in one specific spot for long, moving along the chain in a slow march towards a gambling town.

She didn’t hear the ‘snot-nosed brats’ comment.

Nor did she smell the alcohol or take in their patron’s shabby appearance.

What she did hear was the little comment.

Even in heels Naruto was only slightly shorter than Sakura by a hair’s margin.

And her horns just didn’t provide the correct optical illusion to make her seem taller than she actually was.

“Want me to show you what your colon looks like? Don’t worry I won’t charge, I’ll just shove your head so far up you ass-”   
  


“No threatening the client, it’s bad for business.” Kakashi had enough presence of mind to clamp a hand down over the girl’s mouth before she could finish her initial offer.

Her attempt at petty revenge by licking the jonin’s hand didn’t even register on the cyclops’ mind as he had raised a pack of ninken from birth.

“I am Tazuna, a master bridge builder, and I must return to my country” The man started, and with Kakashi’s hand still over Naruto’s mouth and her too angry to simply remove it with her unnatural strength, the man continued uninterrupted. “I’m building a bridge there that will change the world, and I expect you to get me there safely even if it means giving up your lives.” Oh someone was about to give up their life and it wouldn’t be Naruto with the rate things were going at.

Of course by the time the man disappeared, Naruto had recovered enough from her silently fuming tantrum to bite Kakashi’s hand in retaliation for him still having the bravery to cover it.

* * *

Sakura was pensive about this mission to the Land of Waves, glad for something more exciting that wasn’t cat wrangling or yard work, but it would be the first time she traveled outside of Konoha. Her mother’s reaction when she left home that morning also hadn't helped as the woman was a mess of tears and ‘ _ my baby’s growing up _ ’s.

And while the thought of being attacked by bandits or foreign shinobi plagued the back of her mind, the hours they spent walking at a sedated civilian’s pace was mind numbingly boring. The chat with Kakashi and Tazuna about the other Kage and nations had been informative, although Sakura still couldn’t see the Hokage as much else than an old man in a dress, but it just wasn’t capable of filling in the slowly ticking seconds of silence while the group of five marched onwards.

Sasuke had taken point, leading the way with a cool suave air that the young pink headed girl would follow to the ends of the Earth. Meanwhile, Kakashi covered the rear while Tazuna walked calmly a little towards the jonin’s front right. Which left Sakura and Naruto to cover the left and right flanks respectively.

“Naruto,” Sakura began, peaking out of the corner of her eye to watch her milky blue eyed companion, “have you ever been to the land of waves?”

The pale girl looked at Sakura with a slight deer in the headlights look before replying with an affirmative hum, “Briefly, but they don’t have any casinos so we didn’t really stay for long.”

“What’s it like?”

“It has waves.”

“Oi, be serious here.” Sakura growled out, not having much patience for the girl on a good day.

“I am!” Naruto replied offendedly before trailing off into a grumble, “It just didn’t have much…”   
  


“I object to that comment!” Tazuna-san interjected from the rear.

“Prove me wrong shitty geezer!” Naruto gnashed, still not over the shorty comment… or the second, third, fourth, fifth… Sakura was just glad that Kakashi-sensei was always there to hold the girl back from committing homicide.

“The more I travel with you brats the more I worry about my safety! Are you even old enough to be a ninja? You’re so short I keep having to remind myself that you’re not an eight year old.”

“I’m gonna do it, let me at 'em! Lemme at ‘em!” Naruto strained to get at the man, Kakashi behind her once more and held her up by the arms to prevent her from throttling the old bridge builder to death.

It was a mystery to Sakura how the girl could be so highly praised by the Hokage and still act like this. Even Sakura had trouble remembering that the girl was highly skilled and a highly deadly opponent with the way she acted like a cranky toddler.

But at the same time that monstrous strength was an added comfort.

“Sakura,” Kakashi began, looking worn out as he carried a frowning Naruto like a petulant stretched out cat.

“Hai, sensei!”

“Take point with Sasuke while me and Naruto guard the rear. Tazuna-san,” He looked apologetically to the bridge builder, “While I understand that my students are young, please do not antagonize them while we are protecting you. It would be better if we all remained focused until we reach a safe point to stop and rest.” He could have ended it there but he happily continued, “And while Naruto may be a bit obnoxious at times, it would be best to remember that she is still a shinobi, one trained by a sannin no less, so let’s all be on our best behaviour for the time being, no?” He finished with a signature happy eye smile, still holding Naruto who was slouching in the man’s relaxed grip like a smug cat after receiving the man’s praise.

The man eyed Naruto critically for a moment, snorting and letting out a curt ‘fine’, before picking up the pace and occupying the middle of their shabby little square. In actuality it was more of a rectangle as Naruto walked casually beside silver haired jonin while Sakura got nice and cozy with Sasuke, all too happy to be closer to the object of her affection.

But something Kakashi-sensei said was nagging at her, but before she could properly place what it was, they were attacked.

She screamed a mistake as the two ninja that had effortlessly dispatched their jonin sensei accurately singled her out as the weak link and readied their attack. About to take her out with the same destructive chain technique before they were stopped by Sasuke-kun.

But she didn’t have time to dote on the Uchiha’s coolness and expert abilities as the two quickly made to strike once more. The chain detached from their weird arm claw apparatuses and they charged.

Sakura struggled to move, barely pulling out a kunai in the nick of time and getting into a defensive stance. She belatedly realized that the men’s choice of weapon, the menacing claw gauntlets, were going to tear through her paltry weak defense and eviscerate her arm before Naruto appeared before her in a flash and punched the first guy into subconsciousness.

As well as level the three trees that unfortunately occupied the enemy’s flight path.

  
“Aniki!” The enraged brother apparent screamed, launching a surprise chain from his gauntlet that wrapped around Naruto’s forearm and tore into the flesh, sending out deep rivers of red as the spikes on the chain dug through cloth and flesh alike.

He readied to pull and shred the limb to ribbons but Naruto was a step ahead of him.

She yanked on the chain, letting out a battle cry that would have made starved bears nervous.

But the decisive blow never came as the chain was severed and the man was restrained in a restrictive choke hold by the now alive Kakashi-sensei. A pile of cut logs littered the place she thought his formerly dead corpse had occupied.

“Naruto,” He asked after securing the nin with a tight knot of ninja wire, “Are you okay?”

“No I’m not okay!” The girl replied hotly, more than a little ticked off as she ripped the blood soaked ruined sleeve of her jacket off. “This asshole ruined my jacket!”

“That’s where your priorities lie!?” Sakura hollered in disbelief before she remembered that Naruto was an expert medical nin. Stunned into silence as she watched Naruto’s non-injured hand glow a soft mint green and the wounds close shut as if by magic.

“It’s a lot shallower than I expected, much of the force must come from the como then…” Naruto muttered, running a hand over the smooth white skin that retained not a single scratch nor any indication that the limb had otherwise been rendered ground beef not ten seconds prior.

Their sensei sighed in relief, “Sorry I didn’t help you guys right away. I should have jumped in before you got hurt. But you did good.” His one visible eye lingered on Naruto’s limb, the girl having pulled out a storage scroll and removed a bottle of water labeled for cleaning and a spare jacket to replace her ruined one. Carefully wrapping the torn off bloody sleeve in the former garment before vanishing it with a puff of smoke into the paper storage device.

It was actually kind of cool how flawlessly she executed the motions with practiced ease, transforming in the next moment to appear as if she hadn’t just been in a deadly scuffle.

“What?” She asked, looking from Sakura to Sasuke to Tazuna before back to Sakura while dusting off her pants.

“You just…” Sakura tried to find words to describe the sensation born from what she had just witnessed.

That deadly strength.

The clean precision.

That calm collected mind that didn’t hesitate in jumping to Sakura’s defense and dispatching one enemy and moments away from the other while still injured. It only occurred to Sakura a shocking second later that Naruto would have struck with her right arm, the one that had been injured. The one that she had just healed as if it was nothing.

The one that was now hidden, in all its pristine condition, from the world as a final slight to everyone by erasing the moment from history and making them all seriously wonder if the last heart pumping minute hadn’t happened.

“Good job, Sasuke!” Kakashi complimented the Uchiha before doing the same to Sakura.

And while she was trying to figure out what exactly she had done to deserve praise, she noticed that Kakashi-sensei had the other enemy nin in a headlock.

His face visibly dented from where Naruto had struck him and a gushing river of blood escaping his nose.

That was the reminder she guessed, the proof that Naruto was an absolute monster in the disguise of a twelve year old little girl.

“They’re chunin from Kirigakure. Their specialty is relentless and brutal attacks that leave their opponents open from shock.” Kakashi quickly summed up for the gathered group after tying the enemy up to a tree. The still conscious brother was leveling a hate filled glare at them, or rather he directed it all at Naruto while his brother took in ragged breaths from his broken nose.

“How?” He grit out animalistically, making Sakura step back with the amount of anger stacked behind the words.

“A puddle in the middle of a drought?” Kakashi raised a brow, never once taking his one good eye off the tied up opponent who grunted in reply, finally turning his head away after making eye contact with the silver haired man.

“But if you knew about it being an ambush, why’d you let us handle it? Naruto was injured!” Sakura protested, a little worried that it might be her taking one for the team next time.

Naruto for her part looked a mixture of indignant and offended at Sakura’s apparent lack of faith in her combat and medical abilities, subconsciously rubbing her formerly injured arm to check for any lingering damage.

“True, I could have handled it, but then I wouldn't have known who their target was.” The man looked serious for once, turning his attention to their client from the corner of his eye.

The man looked nervous, sputtering out a “What do you mean?”

“Simply put,” Kakashi leaned back casually, turning his attention fully towards the aged bridge builder. “I wanted to know if this was a ninja attacking ninja, or if they were after you, our master bridge builder. When you put in your request you asked for standard protection from robbers. You didn’t say anything about ninja looking for you.”

“That’s true!” Sakura piped up before Naruto nudged her to be quiet.

“If we knew this, it would be a b-rank mission or higher.” The man had yet to blink, still going on while his one visible eye made the old man sweat bullets. “Our task was to simply get you to your village in Wave and provide further protection while you finished building your bridge. If we knew that there would be attacks from fellow ninja, we’d have approached things very differently and adjusted the price accordingly. I know you have your reasons, but lying is unacceptable. A mission like this is beyond our current team.”

Sakura gulped, not at all liking this turn of events as Kakashi’s words sunk in, along with the belated panic at this being her first life or death situation.

“We’re still genin, we should go back. We might not be so lucky with the next attack, Naruto!” She tried to convince the group by directing her concerns towards the one member of their party who had sustained an injury, albeit a healed one.

They were all silent, no one wanting to be the one to bring up going back directly by agreeing with Sakura.

Though Naruto was miffed at once more being considered weak and or fragile with Sakura’s comment, eye twitching as well as the veins in her neck throbbing from the irritation.

“It’s also a concern that the chain might have been poisoned, it would be best for us to get back before it’s too late if that’s the case.” Kakashi commented further, looking all too relaxed about the situation despite the dire warning that cranked up the severity of the situation.

“Ie, that won’t be a problem.” Naruto commented, looking thoughtfully calm as her once injured arm languidly waved away the group's growing concerns.

“You mean it wasn’t poisoned?!” Sakura asked, thankful that Naruto wouldn’t die an agonizingly slow death without the antidote.

“Oh,” Naruto’s mouth remained open before she corrected their assumption, “it was definitely poisoned, it still kinda stings actually.” She shook the limb.

No doubt they all would have been a bit more panicked if not for the paradoxically calm, if not uncaring, way in which Naruto reacted towards the possible chance of death by poisoning.

“Then we have to go back, Kakashi-sensei-”

“I’m fine.”

“But you just said-”

“Yeah, it had poison.” Naruto stated it bluntly as if asserting the obvious.

“But-”

“Oh right!” Naruto had a full eureka moment, complete with that quintessential light bulb expression. “I didn’t tell you guys!”

“Tell us what?” Kakashi asked, something close to concern creeping into his voice as he tilted his head forward, brow visibly creased despite the headband in the way.

“I’m immune to poison and venom.”

“What!?” They all screeched in shock.

Okay, Sakura and Tazuna shrieked in shock.

“Okay, not totally immune.” Naruto put her hand over her stomach.

“What do you mean then, Naruto?” Kakashi asked her in all seriousness.

“Well…” they could visibly watch as Naruto tried to figure out how to put her apparent immunity-not-immunity to words. “I get a stomach ache.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect more Morino Ibiki in the future because that man needs more love. I was legit about to go and add him as a character tag and then I saw I already did so.
> 
> Comments and Kudos are much appreciated. I love getting your guys' feedback it means a lot.


	6. Ninja Vs. Ninja

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zabuza is here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I'm finished with finals and I'm not dead so that's something! Here's to updating everything and making it through another quarter of hell!

The boat ride to Wave was tense, far too tense for what was supposed to be a simple C-rank mission. And that was after two weeks of walking at a civilian’s pace while anxiously anticipating when and where the next attack would come from. Kakashi’s genin had proved resilient, be it that youthful ability to pull through even the toughest of times or their own individual coping mechanisms.

But Kakashi knew from experience that it wouldn’t last, especially if things got worse.

All the jonin could hope for was that things would go smoothly from here on out. But knowing his luck it was unlikely to be so.

On a simple boat, rowed in under the cover of a heavy fog, Kakashi could only wait and see.

Sasuke sat rather tersely, though he hid it well under an aloof veneer, as if he expected an opponent to come out of the fog itself. To almost no one’s surprise Naruto had pulled out a deck of cards and was quietly entertaining herself with a game of solitaire, her pale white skin and hair making it almost impossible to visibly discern her from the thick white blanket of mist that hung in the air. That left Sakura to nervously sit, eyes darting between Sasuke, Naruto, and Kakashi himself as she tried in vain to dissipate some of the mounting tension.

Tazuna for his part remained withdrawn, silently sitting with the boat’s driver at the back of their small wooden vessel. Kakashi had some questions for the man, but he was willing to wait just a bit longer, opting to get a definitive answer before they reached the shore. Depending on what he learned, they would either turn back or finish the mission, though everything before now pointed to the former over the latter.

It was Sasuke who broke the silence surprisingly enough, after having developed something of a one sided rivalry towards Naruto ever since their first disaster at training ground seven that had only solidified over time. Asking, or rather demanding, the horned girl to explain her immunity to venom and poison for the billionth time.

One sided because Naruto to some degree didn’t think of her teammates as her equals, not ability wise at the very least, and it was only through insults and biting remarks that the boy was able to draw a reaction out of the girl and get the fight he was hoping for to test his skills. A fight that Kakashi had thankfully put an end to before it began by restraining the short tempered girl by picking her up under the armpits like an angry cat and chastising the Uchiha for starting trouble with his teammates. The one eyed jonin had no doubt that Sasuke saw his teammate as a benchmark on the path to his ultimate goal of vengeance. Probably thinking if he could beat Naruto, a girl trained and raised by a Sannin, he’d be on the level of his elder brother when the infamous Uchiha was their age.

At least that’s what Kakashi’s current hypothesis was.

But the incident with the two assassins seemed to have lit a fire under the boy, and Kakashi had been run ragged keeping everyone’s limbs intact and their heads literally out of their asses. With one of Naruto’s more clever threats being to kick them in the ass so hard their spinal vertebra would pop out of their mouth one at a time like a PEZ dispenser.

Their client for his part seemed to stop with the shortie comments after witnessing Naruto in action, no doubt being traumatized by the young girl’s casual indifference to being maimed and having her arm turned into shredded beef.

Sasuke was another story entirely.

The boy had taken to throwing jabs the albino’s way at every opportunity he thought Kakashi wasn’t paying attention, and it was only thanks to Naruto’s penitent for loud theatrics that he was able to intervene in a timely manner.

He had begun to focus in particular on her kekkei genkai, constantly asking more and more invasive questions that were wearing down Naruto’s already short fuse at a frightening rate. He had apparently finished bones and was now moving onto Naruto’s unique immunity.

A tick developed on the girl’s brow, but she steadfastly ignored him, continuing with her game.

“Oi, dobe, did you hear me.” Again it wasn’t a question, more of a demand.

Sakura was quick on her way to being Kakashi’s favorite little genin as she tried desperately in vain to shush her male teammate and prevent another fight, knowing full well as much as Kakashi that if Sasuke riled up Naruto she’d immediately go to screaming and threats of horrific violence when they were trying to remain undercover.

Naruto mumbled something, it was so low even Kakashi’s heightened and trained senses couldn’t quite pick it up. The noise sounding more akin to a low growl than human speech.

Sakura’s frantic hand motions went unheeded as Sasuke once more tried his hand at interrogation.

“I’ve never heard of the Senju being able to shoot bones or negate poison.” The unsaid accusation of her being a foreign nin hanging heavier in the air than the fog itself.

“And I said,” Here they go, “if you had listened the first time then you would know by.” Naruto said all too sweetly, placing down an ace of hearts over a deuce of spades. “Poison doesn’t work on me. Maybe your hearing is going, you know I would offer to check it myself but I have more pressing things at hand!” She flopped another card down, this time a jack of clubs over a queen of diamonds, but the smile on her face told Kakashi he was going to have to step in and soon if he wanted the boat to arrive on shore in one piece. “Don’t tell me that the esteemed Uchiha gave up their hearing for those precious ruby red eyes… oh wait! You don’t have the sharingan!”

Kakashi wouldn’t be surprised if the boy awakened his dojutsu at that moment from the KI he was leaking after Naruto’s verbal attack on his pride.

This likely wasn’t going to be the end of it and there would definitely be more to come later.

Kakashi let out a deep breath he had been holding, thanking every deity he could name as neither went further. The two proceeded to stare the other down before turning their noses up and going back to their original activity.

Catching sight of the massive bridge through the fog, Kakashi decided it was as best a time as any to get the final pieces of information he needed before packing up and going home. So with the heavy slapping of cards in the background, the silver haired jonin turned to their nervous client.

“Tazuna-san,” The boat somehow fell more silent than before, “I need you to tell me the identity of our attacker and why they are after you before we reach shore. If you don’t… the mission will end and take my team back to Konoha.” All three genin’s interests were piqued as they waited patiently for the bridge builder to speak.

The old man’s head remained bowed as he slowly processed the information, or rather thought long and hard about what he was going to say. When he finally lifted his head and parted his lips to speak, seven eyes widened in anticipation, “I really don’t have a choice, do I? Not that it matters.” His aged old eyes stared distantly at the wooden boards of the boat deck. “It’s probably for the best, afterall, you’ll probably leave anyway, even after I tell you.”

Naruto was the only one to move, shuffling ever closer and leaning in to hear, careful not to scuff or bend her cards that were still on the deck. Kakashi narrowed his one visible eye but refrained from commenting. Yes, it had always been a possibility that they would leave without the need to know information their client had been withholding. Lies or not, if the mission was too high above their ranking Kakashi was obligated both morally as their sensei and as a jonin of Konoha to see to his wards safety before even his own.

“As you’ve said, this mission may be beyond you and your team's current scope of abilities.” Both Sasuke and Naruto looked offended by the admission but blessedly remained silent, at least for now. “The dark truth is that I am the target of a terrifying man.” They waited with baited breath for the man to continue. “I’ve no doubt you’ve probably heard of him, the shipping magnate by the name of Gato.”

Kakashi was shocked, Gato company had major holdings all throughout the Land of Fire. And with that amount of wealth backing up their now revealed opponent, the demon brothers were the least of their worries.

“Gato… Gato… Gato…” Naruto rubbed her temples, deep in thought as she mumbled the name over and over again until finally, of all things to blow their cover, “HE OWES ME MONEY!”

“SSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH!!!” They all hopped on the proverbial boat while in the actual boat to silence the deafening kunoichi.

“Naruto…” Kakashi addressed the wide eyed girl who had gone as quiet as a mouse following the aggressive shushing she had just been subject to, his hand over her mouth to ensure there were no further outbursts as Naruto was want to follow up with. “Do you know Gato?”

The silver hair cyclops received a vigorous nod in response.

“Would you like to share what you know?” He asked her slowly, everyone's eyes were on the semi-blonde who’s own pale orbs looked back in an awkward stupor. She looked to the left, then the right before closing her eyes and shrugging her shoulders in a who-could-care manner.

So reluctantly, Kakashi removed his hand from his loudest student.

Naruto smacked her lips before spitting a glob over the edge, as if to get some fowl taste off of her tongue and make Kakashi self conscious of his hands. It was only because he was a highly trained jonin that he didn’t bring his hand up to sniff and check- though the urge was a mighty one.

When Naruto finally did deign to bless them with her knowledge on the shipping magnate, it was short, sweet and to the point, making sure to spare no expense for the insults as well. “He’s a short shitty old man that sucks at blackjack. He owes me a shit ton of money, but the short bastard only gave me a crappy IOU on a cheap napkin before ditching town. If the debt collectors hadn’t been so hot on our…” The rest was a long string of vitriolic abuse and a series of agonizing forms of retribution that would have made the most experienced in T&I blush.

But Naruto’s informative little presentation lacked a lot of substance, mostly just painting one of the biggest business tycoons in the Land of Fire as loose with his money.

So Tazuna let loose a single chuckle, a shallow bitter noise that was steeped in pain and anguish.

“At least we can agree on something,” The old man looked at Naruto with a disparate mixture of appreciation and defeat. “Gato is indeed a rich,  **stingy** , man. He’s built up a massive industry all on his own, but it’s only a front.” Kakashi and his team leaned in forward ever more intrigued about this clusterfuck of a mission, “The rest of his wealth he has amassed through backdoor deals and criminal activity: drugs, weapons, murder, human trafficking, you name it. He’s lived like a king, and now he’s decided to become one.”

“So he’s set his eyes on the Land of Waves.” Kakashi quickly surmised, liking the situation less the more Tazuna continued, swiftly guessing the rest but allowing their elderly patron to continue for the sake of the cycloptic ninja’s genin.

The bridge builder nodded solemnly, “With his wealth and criminal connections, it was no challenge for him to muscle his way into this country and take complete control of everything. Before we knew it, he had taken our food, supplies, and even our homes; dangling them above our heads to dance for the scraps. Most of us can’t even leave the island. And the one thing that threatens his reign-” The man’s eyes glanced over to the stone pillars that rose up out of the waves and ascended upwards into the fathomless white mists.

“And since you’re the one in charge of building the bridge, you’re the best way to stop it…” Sakura filled in the motive for not only Tazuna’s deception but also for the ninja’s that attacked them earlier.

Sasuke’s eyes narrowed deep in thought as he likely put together that there would be more ninjas coming their way.

Glancing lastly to Naruto who had gone back to her game of solitaire, somehow making it violent, Kakashi returned his questioning single-eyed gaze to their client. “So with all of this in mind, why hide all of this from us in your request?”

Of course the answer being that the Land of Waves had nothing as Naruto would put it ever so lovingly, and not at all bluntly, was a safe bet, but hearing it from the old man only confirmed the worst. Previous estimate from what Kakashi’s remembered about the region’s economy would have been enough to hire at least three high tier jonin if enough common people pooled their funds together… which meant the situation had to be dire if they were willing to risk losing Konoha taking any missions from them at all in the future along with the sizeable upfront portion of the payment.

Ninja’s weren’t cheap, even genin team C-ranks. Simple guards were more often cheaper than their current motley crew of prepubescent teens.

But then run of the mill guards with swords weren't a good match against ninja would they?

Especially ninja that could be bought by a major economic power like Gato.

All in all things weren’t looking good for the master bridge builder as Kakashi ruminated on the information further. Everything screamed for him to drop the mission and return to Konoha, but there were a few things that weren’t said or mentioned that only the seasoned ninja had picked up on.

They were already involved and if what Tazuna said was true then the Demon Brothers that they had fought earlier might be out of jail and Gato aware of who was guarding the target.

Second was that Konoha would have to get involved later if not now as the Land of Waves was a close neighbor that did have some economic pull on Fire, with the daimyos of the two nations on surprisingly friendly terms. That and if things got too bad they might be looking at an economic refugee crisis.

And lastly, they had set sail early in the night, about an hour after midnight to be exact, so as to avoid detection before the halfway point where the early morning fog would then obscure their presence. If Gato was serious he might send some goons or trained shinobi to take them out before they could return and inform Konoha of the developments.

Of course this also had nothing to do with two of his teams staunch refusal to back down despite the odds, though Naruto’s motive of getting her money might not have been the best…

Or that Tazuna had put on a pretty decent old-man-woe-is-me act.

No, nothing of that sort at all.

* * *

Naruto couldn’t give two shits, or even half of a single shit for Sasuke and her’s little pissing contest.

No she was far too busy trying to fit in where in this FUBAR ranked mission she could hunt down the weaselly rat bastard, Gato, and finally get her money!

For three years she and her mother had hunted that man down, putting all of their experience avoiding debt collectors to use in trying to sniff out the mangy piece of dog shit that always managed to slip away right before they rang out his shriveled little turkey neck.

Naruto didn’t even want to think about the amount of money he owed her, it was a lot, because then she’d inevitably get worked up into a frenzy and do some rearranging of the landscape. That and she would never be able to look at herself in the mirror until she had calmed down and the angry veins vanished back under her skin.

So caught up was she in trying to figure out where that blood sucking capitalist leach was hiding that she didn’t notice her Uchiha teammate had stopped and struck a pose, toppling over the stationary male and knocking both of them to the ground.

“Naruto-baka, watch where you’re going! And get off of Sasuke-kun!” Sakura screeched.

Naruto didn’t need a mirror to know that her veins were aggravated and began to press against her skin in a bid to escape. But any retort died on her tongue the moment she saw  _ Sasuke-kun’s _ precious little target.

Dashing forward, she picked up the start white bunny who had come within an inch of losing its already short life. Quietly shushing it as she rocked the shaking ball of fluff and nerves to sleep in a bid to calm it down.

Naruto didn’t know what exactly it was about rabbits that made her want to hug them and pet them and squeeze them and name them ridiculous things like George. Maybe it was the fact that a lot of the teasing she had received in her early years had been aimed at her horns that did indeed have a rabbit like quality to them, with one of Drunknade’s more creative little pet names being “ _ My Cwute whittle wucky wunny wabbit!” _ A shiver of fear running down Naruto’s spine at the many memories of being crushed and suffocated in her mother’s bosom.

The horror!

It was decided then!

“Your name is George!” She held up the still shaking creature before resuming her original coddling activity.

“Naruto, I’m pretty sure that’s a girl rabbit.” Sakura oh so helpfully informed the trained medic, and yes that did indeed include rabbit anatomy.

Naruto responded with an indignant, “SO?” Before turning the rabbit this way and that, shrugging her shoulders as she really couldn’t be bothered to either rename her new fuzzy friend or confirm that it was indeed a girl.

George could be a girl's name dammit!

“Do you even know how to care for a rabbit. You better let it go before it bites you.” Sakura warned, quickly losing interest in her teammates eccentric interests.

“Don’t listen to her George, she’s just jealous.” By now the little creature had calmed down once it ascertained that Naruto was indeed not going to tear its cute fluffy little head off and eat it. If anything, George relaxed completely into Naruto’s hold, making itself at home in the crook of her arm.

“Everyone down!” Naruto wasted no time in falling into a proper crouch, ready to spring up and defend George with her life!

And Tazuna she guessed.

Unfortunately, George had decided to take matter into their own hands and flee as most rabbits would.

“George, no! Come back!”

“Forget about George Dammit! We’ve got bigger problems!”

Naruto’s retort to that blasphemous idea of abandoning her newest friend fizzled out as she beheld the shirtless shinobi now squaring up against her sensei, juggling three ideas in head as she readied for a fight. Because there was no way this dude who came in on a flying cleaver was gonna welcome them with a fruit basket and a hug.

She could charge, a staple of her strategic arsenal, but a single withering look from Kakashi had that plan on the back burner for now.

That left two other targets that their opponent was likely going to go after.

Them… and Tazuna.

Naruto glanced at said man in question, and while he did call her short, that in and of itself was not worthy of the death penalty in her opinion.

The only problem was that their opponent was looking at all of them and giving no indication of his first target, making Naruto reluctant to be the first to move. Tazuna was close but this guy looked fast enough to beat her to the bridge builder despite the comparatively massive gap in distance. Naruto was strong but this man had speed on his side and no doubt a good amount of strength if he was regularly swinging that sword around, more if he did it without chakra enhancement. Her best bet was to keep him at a distance and lob jutsus at him, maybe catch him in a trap of regenerating slugs.

Of course that was to say if he got past their own resident jonin first.

Naruto’s pale blue left the man in the tree to watch her sensei, noting his calm demeanor that stood in stark contrast to the rest of those on the ground and their statuesque postures.

“White hair, eye covered by his forehead protector... Sharingan Kakashi, the copycat nin, no?” The man said, surprising Naruto as she began to wonder if the man actually had the sharingan. Sure she didn’t know what was under the forehead protector, honestly interested in seeing the rest of his mysterious face than one stupid eyeball. But she didn’t think he was an Uchiha. The whole clan had been…  _ well with the exception of one,  _ she thought somewhat pityingly as she glanced at Sasuke. The boy now giving a hawk-like focus to their sensei after the mention of his clan’s dojutsu. But if it wasn’t a natural born ability, that must mean its a-

Naruto’s body worked on autopilot, eyes wide as her arm flung out to protect her. She didn’t register the pain of her bones shooting up out of palm to form a makeshift weapon, blocking the sword strike that had been aimed at her.

The weight of the heavy blade and the force exerted behind it only confirmed that the guy was physically strong, and she wasn’t picking up on any chakra enhancement techniques yet which meant this guy was the real deal when it came to kenjutsu.

The sensation of something strong pushing against her bare bone which was still attached to her base skeletal structure was new though.

It was kind of like pulling on a tooth that wasn’t ready to fall out and- DUCK!

She only barely managed to avoid the follow up strike, “A Kaguya?!” Their assailant whispered in disbelief, appraising Naruto with a calculated look before sneering at her. Naruto was about to punch the bastard, about to scream ‘ _ IT’S SENJU DAMMIT!’  _ before she was harshly kicked out of the way. “I’ll deal with you later.” He dismissed her, the force of the kick coming as unexpected as Naruto skidded across the dirt holding her sore rib, realizing all too late that the man had only attacked her as she had been the only obstacle on the shortest path to their client.

Kakashi was on it as he intercepted the would be murderer, and likely already murderer given the man’s line of work. Kicking the swinging blade up and out of the way before finishing the man off with a slash to the jugular, cutting deep into the flesh.

But the fight wasn’t over as a loud puff of smoke erupted from the dead man’s would be corpse.

“A shadow clone?” She questioned aloud, noting the larger than average amount of smoke that billowed out and about them except… “Is this mist?” She questioned once it had thinned. Taking inventory of their situation and hping that none of her teammates or sensei had been substituted by their attacker.

“Manji formation, NOW!” Kakashi barked.

Naruto would have time to worry about doppelgangers later, right now she had a job to do.

Even if he was a bastard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just assume everyone owes Naruto money.
> 
> You know I just realized I never named Zabuza because the bastard doesn't do the whole long ass introduction woe is me story. Instead we get all the info from Kakashi and I respect that. That and can we all be thankful for that bit of fanservice from dad on the side, shirtless murder hobo on the main, Zabuza despite the stupid leg warmers he wears on his arms. I know its anime but come on, I have my limits to stupid fashion choices.


	7. Never Mess With a Prankster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first fight with Zabuza reaches it's conclusion.
> 
> Also Naruto feels up Kakashi, its semi consensual. The man is not into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTE!!!
> 
> READ BEFORE CONTINUING!!!
> 
> I'm gonna put this here so you hopefully don't get your panties in a twist but I cut the conclusion to the fight because I didn't want to rehash it all. There were some changes as you will see but the ninjutsu battle at the end got clipped because I just couldn't find a reason to alter it. Go watch the anime because honestly it's one of the best fights.
> 
> Edited because I did not realize how my minor mistakes I made. Holy shit.

It was quiet.

Naruto hadn’t realized how loud the fighting had been until her team had become shrouded in a blanket of fog. Part of her was somewhat glad for the thick soup of mist, taking solace in the fact that she blended in and would be harder to spot… then she remembered she passively radiated a shit ton of chakra like a tiny sun and was probably being used as a beacon to keep tags on the geezer.

She was actually thankful that Sakura said something, calling out to their sensei for instructions. Though Naruto disagreed with his assertion that their assassin would go after him first. Mostly because if she were this Momochi Zabuza, she’d use the cover and confusion to go after Tazuna, especially if the opponent was so sure she’d go after them. Then again it could all be a ruse from Kakashi to make Zabuza think that Kakashi was thinking what Zabuza was thinking. In which case if she were Zabuza she’d go after Kakashi because he was thinking that she, Zabuza remember, was actually thinking about going after Tazuna. But then that must mean that he knew what she/Zabuza was thinking in which case… nevermind, this was getting confusing even to her.

“Eight spots.”

Now she wished for the silence to return as the man's voice filtered in from all sides, giving no indication of where he was.

“The larynx, the spine, the lungs, the liver, the jugular and the subclavian veins, the kidney, the heart.”

A small part of Naruto, the medical know-it-all part, wanted to point out that there were technically ten spots. The average human had two subclavian veins as well as two kidneys. Technically there were two lungs but if one was punctuated you were basically screwed anyways and… Going back to her original point- if Naruto had to pick between an opponent who might think that she was going after him over the three genin and one old man who was her target, she’d go for the-

Suddenly a wave of fear washed over her, unlike anything she had ever felt before. Her joints froze up, lungs refusing to work and making it hard for her to breathe. She felt more than saw the electric blue chakra wash over and doused her in KI. Despite her internal panic, her frantic eyes were able to trace the source of anxiety and her primal survival instincts to her sensei.

She could feel blood on her hands as sharp nails pierced the delicate flesh with how tightly her fists were bunched.

If she were an animal her ears would be laid back flat and hackles raised high.

_It wasn’t even aimed at me. Why can't I move dammit!?_

Her heart was beating frantically in her chest, muscles pushing against the bars of her ribs in a bid to escape. She forced her head to crank to the side, each measly centimeter a herculean task as she fought against her bodies natural instinct to freeze up and hope the predator would overlook her if she didn't move. Her teammates were in much the same boat, though Sasuke looked a mix between angered and panicked instead of just panicked.

While Kakashi's technique might have cleared some of the mist, its paralyzing side effect was going to prove fatal if they couldn’t get a grip.

She mentally marked off her symptoms, trying to find a solution before she was cut in half by a maniac and his ridiculously big sword.

Muscles spasms

Racing heart beat

Shortness of breath

Chest feeling like it was about to cave in from anxiety.

Everything she knew up until now pointed to a panic attack.

But unlike before during the genin selection test where her mind was working a mile a minute, to hung up on the infinite possibilities and a million what ifs- she was calm.

Or as calm as could be given the situation.

Maybe it was the knowledge that there were two possible outcomes, dying and not, that let her look at the situation with clarity.

Whatever the reason, she was still rational, which meant she could-

“Breath.” She said exhaling the word, her shoulders losing some of the pent up tension with the one simple action.

It was like washing away fog on a window, the murky picture outside becoming crystal clear.

“What?” Sasuke asked, his tone scratchy and aggressive while he strained to look at her. His wide eyes managed to scowl at her despite the intense pressure bearing down on them.

“In through the nose,” She followed her own instructions, taking in a deep breath, “And out through the mouth.” She once more followed own sage advice, finding she had more control with each repeat of the exercise.

Sasuke looked like he wanted to protest, but when Sakura followed Naruto’s example he grudgingly did as well. Even Tazuna joined in, and all four soon found themselves more at ease and surprisingly alert.

“Color me impressed.”

Naruto whipped her head around, finding Zabuza somehow in the middle of their formation.

_When did he?!?!_

His sword poised to sever all their heads from their bodies, Kakashi could do little more than watch as the man readied himself for a final blow.

The edge of the giant sword was placed to take out Tazuna first.

_NO WAY! Does he intend to just muscle through it!_ Naruto screamed in her head, hardly able to believe what the madman was attempting as he began to move his arm to clear straight through the old geezer’s neck. Swords needed room to build up momentum. Even the sharpest blades needed some room to properly slice. But the man had the strength to pull a close maneuver like this off, Naruto could attest to that with her previous interaction.

_But he called me ‘Kaguya’! Which means he’s not going to expect-_ Naruto thrust her hand out, catching the pommel of the blade, stopping it from going any further and meeting the jonin’s strength with her own. The look of surprise in his eyes was the icing on the cake to what she was about to do to him.

“Wha-”

“My name-” Naruto pivoted on her foot, her hand sliding up and over the grip to snatch his hand, her other pale limb snaking around to secure it further, “IS SENJU NARUTO!” She threw him over her shoulder, sending the man flying with her monstrous strength.

He went splat against a tree, falling a good three feet in the air and landing on his ass with a solid thud. “A Senju, huh?” Zabuza looked up at her with a manic grin before exploding into a shower of water.

The real Zabuza revealed himself not a second later, this time going for Kakashi-sensei after drawing the man's attention to them with the clone.

“Sensei, behind you!” Naruto's warning came too late as the silver-haired man was cleaved in two, the blood splattering over her.

Of course when the rest of her sensei exploded in a shower of water that doused her, she realized it was only just that, water, and not her sensei’s entrails that decorating her body. The real Kakashi appeared behind Zabuza and swiftly put a kunai up to the man's throat, declaring the fight over.

Maybe it was the stress of having what you thought was your once-sensei paint you in red, maybe it was the innate power of youth to move past trauma, or maybe it was just Naruto’s own starry eyed wonder that made her say it. “SUGOI!”

The rest of her team quick to follow in their own way, with Sakura following behind Naruto with a verbal exclamation of relief, while their resident Uchiha let out a smug "hn."

“What’s so funny?” Naruto asked when Zabuza started laughing.

She knew that laugh, she knew it intimately, it was the same laugh she gave right before someone got caught up in one of her particularly devious pranks.

“Did you say it’s over?” They all tensed up after he said those words, only Zabuza himself and Kakashi-sensei remaining somewhat lax. “If all you can do is a few monkey tricks- then you really don’t understand, do you?” Naruto only now realized that there was still a bone protruding from her hand, giving it the final push to become a makeshift kunai for her to wield while the man chuckled some more. “I’ll give praise where it’s due, you’re good, copying my water clone technique like you did. By slipping away and letting the clone take your place while your genin got their head in the game, you succeeded in distracting me. Then using that Kaguya’s chakra technique-” What Kaguya? Her? _IT’S SENJU DAMMIT!_ What chakra technique? The other’s must have put it together too, giving her the odd glance before returning their attention to the immediate threat. “To slip away into my own mist and wait for me to make a move.”

…

Another Zabuza appeared behind Kakashi. “But I’m not as simple a fool as you think!”

“How many fakes does this guy have?” Naruto shouted in frustration, ironic coming from her after she'd patented spamming the Kage Bunshin technique.

This time it must have been the real Kakashi as he ducked under the assassin’s cleaver-like blade. But Zabuza was a master of close combat fighting, expertly switching stance and bolstering his kick to send Kakashi flying. Naruto hadn’t noticed the only thing preventing Zabuza from finishing it all wile her sensei was vulnerable in the air was the Makibishi spikes that littered his path.

_When did he..._

There was a heavy splash as Kakashi vanished under the water.

He was followed quickly by Zabuza who simply jumped over the visible trap, calling Kakashi’s attempt at blocking him foolish.

“His taijutsu skills are extremely good.” Sasuke stated the obvious after a moment of stunned silence. If it weren’t a life or death situation Naruto would have replied with something snarky, but she was otherwise preoccupied at the moment with finding her errant sensei.

Fortunately or unfortunately Sakura was thinking like Naruto was when she voiced the obvious. “Where’s Kakashi-sensei?”

The water must have been laden with chakra, making it difficult to move in as it took a while for the one-eyed jonin to surface. And when he did, Zabuza was quick to appear behind him and fly through a flurry of hand seals, trapping the man in a watery prison.

They remained like that, out on the lake, with Kakashi trapped inside the bubble.

“Why isn’t he coming after us?” Sakura asked, taking a nervous step back from the gently lapping water.

_Why isn’t he?_ Naruto wondered in parallel. _Can he not move with the jutsu active? If so, how is he going to-_

A multitude of water clones rose from the murky blue depths to answer Naruto, drawing their swords before charging the shore.

“Take care of any that make it past me!” Naruto took off to meet them without a second thought, bringing her hands up to summon a multitude of her own clones.

“Naruto what are you going to-”

“Don’t ask stupid questions and get ready dammit!” She cut Sakura off, one Zabuza having already made it past. And while she had the numbers on him, her shadow clones were far less durable than Zabuza’s watery copies.

She was hemorrhaging chakra fast as she was split between holding off the steady tide of murder hobos, being forced to engage two on her own while popping enough new clones into existence to hold back the growing number of Zabuzas still coming.

“I’m rather glad you came, _Kaguya_ ,” If her arteries weren’t bulging before they definitely were now. She was barely holding off the two clones fighting her, their heavy blades stopped only barely by her durable bone kunai. The strength of a thousand fists technique was strong enough to beat Zabuza’s natural strength and his own chakra enhancements, but he had the advantage of experience and leverage with his giant blade. Worry and fear began to eat at the Senju as her clones were depleting fast. She couldn’t resupply their numbers while both of her hands were occupied defending the real her. “I get the honor of putting an end to the bloodline!”

Naruto was locked down, wrestling to keep control of the fight but unable to do much more than push against the man's blades with her own. A fight of brute strength with her being caught between a rock and a hard place, anger bubbling up as she looked into his bloodthirsty eyes with a defiant gaze of her own.

“IT’S SENJU DAMMIT!”

* * *

This was bad.

Kakashi couldn’t move.

He couldn’t do squat dammit!

By some miracle, Naruto’s clones had managed to defeat most of Zabuza’s clones, the last of hers going out suicide style. That left the two currently engaging her in a one sided dual, while the one that had successfully slipped by fought her teammates. They were obviously toying with the three genin, even one Zabuza would have been more than enough for Naruto. Granted fighting her had been a hassle months ago, but Kakashi had been handicapped with the sole rule of no maiming and killing the brats. Zabuza had no such handicap.

If Naruto could make more clones they might stand a chance, but the two Zabuza’s were wary of that and kept her on the defense. Her taijutsu was good, but her kenjutsu was novice at best, having been practiced by Naruto in her spare time without any real guidance. The only reason she wasn’t a bleeding mess of severed body parts was because her gymnastic skills and small stature, coupled with high maneuverability in tight spaces, would have made it hard for the two Zabuza’s even if they were serious.

His stomach dropped as Naruto received a deep laceration to her side, having screwed up a pivot jump.

Zabuza smirked beneath his mask, “Looks like its- What!?”

Kakashi realized Naruto purposely screwed up to get under the clones guard, dropping a kunai to grab onto the blade and axe kick the clone into oblivion, quickly smashing her fist into the ground and sending a wave of earth barreling outwards.

With the second clone thrown completely off blance, both from the surprise of Naruto’s feint and the churning Earth below him, the albino girl was able to throw her spare kunai with enough accuracy and strength to pop him.

  
Zabuza grit his teeth, saying “This is getting annoying.” Before summoning more clones, intent on finishing the job.

“What are you guys doing?! You need to pull back! It should have been obvious the moment I was caught! Our mission is to protect Tazuna! Have you forgotten that!?”

Kakashi saw Naruto smirk while she darted under a Zabuza clone. “Do you really think we can pull that off, Sensei?” Naruto started, voice wavering but undeniably cocky in that quintessential Naruto way. “You’re right, the mission changed the moment you got caught…” She managed to make eye contact, pale sky blue meeting Kakashi’s heterochromatic gaze, and after months of dealing with Naruto and her antics, Kakashi knew that look. It was the look she got whenever she was about to pull off a fast one that had a snowball's chance in hell. The same look she got when she busted into ANBU Headquarters and replaced all the elite covert ops masks with cheap plastic ones from a festival booth. “Sasuke!” She shouted. Looking up, he could see Naruto had thrown her bag at the Uchiha. The Zabuza clone that had broken off from the two genin to re-engage Naruto, the biggest threat at the moment, couldn’t react fast enough to stop whatever it was she had planned. With the bag in his hands, Sasuke pulled out a large fuma-shuriken, a brief expression of understanding passing over him. But rather than pull back, they redoubled their fighting efforts.

“She’s right.”

_What?_

"The moment they turn tail and retreat, I'll kill you, and then just chase them down and finish the job.”

_No!_

Dammit, why did Naruto have to be right now of all times!

“Your team is good, but do you really think they can keep this up? The Kaguya is injured and overwhelmed, and the others are underdeveloped. Do you really think they could make it to safety before I caught up?”

He didn’t.

Before he had been deluding himself.

This wasn’t a fight they were going to win anytime soon.

Not like this.

He had been a fool to think it would be simple, to take it easy for even a moment. He should have known how deadly Zabuza was and finished him off when he had the chance. Even if he’d only glance at him in the bingo book, the man's reputation was legendary. Anyone who could successfully attempt a coup for an entire shinobi village, even a failed one, was no small fry. He shouldn't have held back when he had the chance, and why? Because he wanted to preserve his genins' innocence just for just a bit longer? Maybe if this had been an actual C-rank and Zabuza had been a skilled chunin at best.

And now he was going to face the consequences for his stupidity.

A man like Gato probably had more goons hidden all over the island ready to report on their location.

With the understanding that the longer this fight between his students and Zabuza went on, the less chance they all had of survival, Kakashi put all of his faith in the hands of three children.

Children who should never have been brought on a mission like this.

With all of the Zabuza clones engaged, with Naruto hell bent on not letting a single one through this time, Sasuke leapt high into the air, building up his momentum before letting loose the fast spinning blades at the peak of his jump. An angry battle cry accompanying the shuriken as it flew forward.

Kakashi realized it long before Zabuza. A single shuriken, no matter how big, wouldn't have done much against the clones. So instead it flew towards the one Zabuza who was unable to properly defend himself or dodge.

The man caught it easily in his one hand, and Kakashi waited for Naruto’s punchline to emerge. Pleasantly surprised when the second shuriken that had been flying in the original’s shadow emerged. He could feel his heart beat in the middle of his throat when Zabuza dodged it. Both of them watching it fly further away when-

“Hi, Hi!” Naruto popped into being, both of them realizing the girl had used a transformation technique to fly under both of their radars. Pivoting through the air, Naruto sent one of her bone kunai flying towards the man, the air visibly rippling around it as Naruto forwent all grace and technique for pure power.

“Enough!” Zabuza barked, deflecting the kunai with the fuma shuriken.

It was like watching a horror movie unfold for Kakashi as Zabuza readied the weapon to attack Naruto who stood patiently before them.

“Naruto, What do you think-”

“Relax sensei.” Naruto casually waved him off with a bright happy smile.

“You should have listened to your sensei girl.” Zabuza growled, not at all happy to have been made the fool by a child.

“You mean run away before the punchline?!” She mock gasped.

“Punchline?” The mist nin once more growled.

Naruto nodded emphatically, “You see, shinobi are all about looking underneath the underneath. To prank them, you got to be really crazy and wild, something truly unexpected!” Zabuza became panicked, looking around for any other flying projectiles or shadow clones. But with both hands occupied, he couldn’t bring up any clones to defend himself. He had one shot with the shuriken before Naruto put him in a precarious position of defending himself while maintaining the water prison.

“Oh don’t worry.” Naruto waved off the murderous man’s paranoia with a cheeky smile, “I’m not going to attack you, that would be too easy.”

“You brat!” The blades began to whip the air as Zabuza forced chakra into them, seconds away from releasing it at a speed Naruto wouldn’t be capable of adequately defending against.

“Careful how you land!”

And then the world exploded.

* * *

Sakura watched in pure amazement as the lake moved skyward. The once still mirror like surface now shattered beyond repair.

Once it came down, they were all soaked to the bone. The majority of it landed back in the lake, and what didn’t was making its way back on a gentle downwards slope.

“Where are…” She couldn’t see Kakashi-sensei, or Naruto, or even Zabuza.

“Too bad!”

Sakura whipped around but couldn't do much else as her body seized up, Tazuna right beside her as they were caught up in Zabuza’s Killing Intent.

Or rather his clone’s Killing Intent, but she was sure that Naruto’s clones had taken care of all the water clones, especially after Sasuke had thrown his most powerful fire jutsu at them.

So was this the real one? Or was it a clone that had remained out of sight waiting for an opportunity?

She couldn’t move.

She needed to move.

Why couldn’t she move?!

“DYNAMIC ENTRY!” A horned ball of energy screeched, coming in hot and splattering the definitely-a-clone Zabuza across the damp grass. If Sakura and Tazuna weren’t soaked before they were now.

“Naru-toh?” Sakura’s happy exclamation at being saved was cut off as she watched said white blur fail to stick the landing and go somersaulting into a tree. The horned girl’s face made first contact with the unforgiving bark of a nearby tree, her ass in the air for the world to see as she fell lamely to the ground.

Again Sakura was left to wonder if all the destruction this one girl caused was real or a fluke.

* * *

Of all the things Kakashi had expected, Naruto overloading the water walking technique to disrupt an entire lake was not one of them.

Not even close.

But Kakashi took her little warning to heart, sticking the landing after months of getting used to Naruto’s flight training.

Zabuza had no such experience. Be it the pure insanity and spontaneity of Naruto’s strategy, or a lack of aerial preparedness, the man came down hard and dazed. The stress of having a child out maneuver you, followed by the irritation of Kakashi’s sharingan, had been instrumental in defeating the missing nin.

But it came at a cost.

No not him being locked up in need of medical treatment, he had kinda half expected to walk away with that going into the fight.

No, it was having Naruto’s horrendous bedside manner.

Kakashi had no doubt she knew what she was doing, she was trained by Tsunade afterall.

But the constant poking and prodding, accompanied by the verbal jabs about his need to take better care of himself (this coming from the girl who willfully EXPLODED a lake) were what made his time confined to bed rest feel longer than it had any right to be.

“Can’t you do something?” He whined after the nth time of having his cheek stabbed by Naruto’s longer than average nail.

It was like having a hawk for a nurse.

A hawk at least wouldn’t shoot him dirty looks whenever he asked to get up and use the bathroom.

“I am doing something.” Naruto informed the jonin, sliding a single digit down his throat and over the naked flesh of his sternum. He felt naked… probably because he was with the exception of his mask which he had vehemently argued against removing, much to Naruto’s eternal chagrin. At least Naruto had no interest in the male form other than medical… which put her above most other nurses (male or female) in Kakashi’s opinion.

He watched her face as she continued her examination, he had no doubt if she had the byakugan she’d be using it right now in conjecture with her medical examination. Her expression was stern, concentrating on what she found. Occasionally she’d raise a brow or hum to herself.

And after being through this song and dance numerous times before, Kakashi knew how it would go. First she had done his arms and legs, flicking his extremities and joints to ensure no loss of feeling, a common symptom of chakra exhaustion. Then she’d do circulation and heart rate, making sure there were no abnormalities. Next, she looked for fractures, hands glowing a soft minty green as she performed a semi-invasive search under his skin. “You’ve mostly made it out with a few hairline fractures, nothing I can’t fix, though you’re on your own for the bruising.” She informed him tartly, getting ready for the final test.

“What would I do without you?” He asked before coughing up a piece of his lung.

“Probably suffer some more before dying a slow and miserable death,” She dead panned, “Now pinch the penny?” At the questioning look Kakashi gave the short girl, she elaborated with a roll of her eyes. “Squeeze your butt cheeks.”

“Oh…” that part was new.

Kakashi did as he was told while Naruto laid her hands down on Kakashi’s stomach, where the body's main pool of chakra gathered. He could feel Naruto’s chakra seep in with his own, poking and prodding around to make sure the flow wasn’t disrupted along with any other abnormalities.

She muttered a quiet, “thought so,” under her breath before standing up and brushing her hands on her pants.

“Did I pass doc?”

Naruto stopped on her way to the door, looking back at Kakashi and shrugging.

“Meh.” She informed him before opening the sliding door that had given the man some privacy for the length of his examination. Both Sasuke and Sakura must not have been expecting that as they fell forwards and onto the floor in a heap. Around the corner, Tazuna and his daughter could be seen as well, checking in on their protectors.

“Well?” Tazune began bewildered while Sakura and Sasuke made quick to look like they hadn’t just been caught red handed eavesdropping. “Is he gonna be okay?”

Naruto looked at him with a blank stare, considering her words thoughtfully before shrugging her shoulders, “meh.”

“What does that mean?” Both Tazuna and Sakura screeched, somehow more invested in Kakashi’s wellbeing than the man himself.

Naruto took a deep sigh, cracking her neck before launching into her findings. “On top of a few fractures and plenty of bruising, he’s completely out of chakra and I’m pretty sure he jacked up his network to where chakra is going to condense and cause more problems. His heart rate hasn’t gone down yet, so that’s gonna need fixing fast, though it's at least only above average for resting rate, and that’s considering shinobi. Oh, and his eye might pop.”

“...”  
  


“WHAT!” They all screamed, even himself.

“Too loud!” Naruto whined, digging a finger into her ear as her hearing came back.

“What do you mean he’s out of chakra?”

“What about my eye?”

“Do we have medicine, should we go find help?”

“Can you fix this?”  
  


“Can we go back to my eye?!”

“What’s all this about chakra?”

Rather than shout above them, Naruto snapped her finger, letting out a sonic boom from the one single motion that silenced them all. “Alright, listen up cause I’m only gonna go through this once!” she held up her index finger to emphasize. “Kakashi-sensei is out of chakra, as in he’s gonna do serious damage if he does so much as sneezes a shitty fireball. I don’t know what he did to his network but it might result in clotting which has a lot of complications on its own. His heart rate can be brought down, we probably don’t need medicine, he just needs to calm down a bit. And to the one who asked about getting help, fuck you I am an amazing doctor.” She pointed at each and every one of them.

“Excuse me?” Kakashi meekly raised his hand, aforementioned heart rate spiking higher. “Can you go back to my eye?”

“What about your eye?” Naruto looked at him with contempt.

“You know, how it might… pop?” He explained, all heads swiveling to Naruto with the ball in her court.

“Oh… that.” Naruto crossed her arms and leaned against the doorframe as if she hadn’t dropped earth shattering news onto the silver-haired jonin. “As far as I can tell it's been a problem that has been building for a while. And without your medical history, I can’t give anything concrete. It’s probably due to strain and the stress you put your body through during the fight.”

“Can you fix it?” Sakura asked that question thankfully. Kakashi was still a bit too stunned to ask further as Naruto had gotten that much information about his sharingan from one generic body scan that no other doctor of his had caught up until now.

“Me?” The only medically trained person in the house, probably the whole town, pointed to herself in question. “No.”

Kakashi felt his stomach sink down into his feet.

“Do you know when it will… pop?” The man of the hour questioned, voice quiet and shaky.

Naruto hummed, mulling over the information, “I’d say give it a year, year and half, two tops. At worst,” She made a growling sound in the back of her throat that sounded like a cross between a squeaky door and a dying motor engine, “Maybe six months at least? I can’t say for sure, you’d have to ask mom or speak to a professional, probably someone intimately aware of the sharingan, preferably both.”

“You said you needed my medical history to be sure?”

“Yes and no,” She sighed, rolling her neck and cracking her shoulders. “I’m assuming it’s a transplant?” She looked at him with a raised brow.

He nodded.

“That’s what I thought… Look,” She stood up and gave him her full attention. “I’m not an expert on the sharingan, and given the situation in Konoha you’re probably shit out of luck unless the single Uchiha,” She thumbed a finger at Sasuke who bristled, but she didn’t take her eyes off of Kakashi, “Gives me, you, probably not you, mom, or anyone with decent medical training access to that information. What I’m trying to say is…” Naruto looked at him with the same look all doctors and nurses used when they were about to deliver bad information, “Is that if you don’t tone it down on the sharingan use, you’re going to lose it.”

…

The room was silent.

…

“So what now?” It was Sakura who asked the question.

Naruto threw back her arm and worked out the kinks in the joint. “Now I get to work on therapy treatment and hopefully fix this mess, otherwise, Kakashi-sensei is looking at a long and arduous recovery process.”

Said man sighed to himself, not liking where this was going out of personal dislike for all things hospital related. “Where do we begin?”

“I was thinking acupuncture!” The little horned devil smiled as she pulled out a set of needles from behind her back, approaching Kakashi who was defenseless and mostly naked aside from his underwear and a tube around his neck and jaw.

Most averted their eyes to provide a sense of propriety but didn’t leave.

The room was once more quiet, filled only with the sound of tinkling metal as Naruto carefully arranged the needles on his body. Only interrupted by Tazune who was finding the quiet atmosphere to be a bit choking. “But you know, all things considered, since you took down that real powerful shinobi like that, all you’ve got to do is get better and you can go home! There’s no more reason to worry!”

“With all due respect,” That was a first coming from Naruto of all people, the young girl not taking her eyes off of Kakashi while she worked. “Even with Zabuza dead, it’s more than likely that Gato still has an actual army of goons hidden somewhere waiting for the command. Probably a few more ninja as well.”

“You mean he’s got another Zabuga out there?”

Naruto hummed to herself, stabbing a needle into Kakashi unrepentantly as he felt that one a lot more. “Zabuza, and no… yes… I don’t know, probably not. Point is, he hired Zabuza,” Naruto counted off on one finger, looking at Tazuna who was staring back just as intently while the girl explained their possible situation. “And he hired the Demon Brothers,” She raised two more fingers, “But if there’s anything I know about that cheap bastard, he’s gonna hide behind an army of bloodthirsty goons. If we’re lucky, he went cheap and only hired Zabuza to top off his thugs, at worst there is another Zabuza. Most likely we’re looking at a few chunin and genin ranked opponents.”

At this Kakashi remembered something, his memory helped along by the forest of thin needles sticking up from his body.

“The second one.”

“What?” Naruto asked him, having not quite heard him.

“There’s another Zabuza, and probably Zabuza as well.”

They all looked at him like he had two heads.

Sakura looked deeply confused as she tried to puzzle out what Kakashi was saying. “Sensei, the first part I get… but the second.” Even Naruto looked lost.

The bedridden man sat up, disturbing Naruto’s work and making her hands fly up in frustration, she looked like she wanted to strangle him and probably would but he needed to get the severity of what he was about to say across.

“The kid in the mask, the hunter nin, normally they dispose of their target on sight as quickly as possible so the enemy has no chance of getting village secrets.” He began slowly.  
  
“Right right,” Naruto nodded along, trying to push Kakashi back down as delicately as she could. “So enemies don’t get medicine, techniques, etc. off of them. Don’t worry sensei, we’ll be sure to burn your corpse.”

“No, that’s not what I’m getting at.” Kakashi waved the girl off. Naruto rolled her eyes but sat down beside him, knowing it would be easier to get him to comply once he got whatever it was off his chest. “Hunter nin’s are specialists that specialize in preventing village secrets from leaking out, and killing rogue nin and eliminating their bodies is one of their jobs.” Kakashi felt something was wrong at that moment, and he must have shown it visually as Naruto took the opportunity to gently push him back down. Once more he threw her off. “Normally they do this on sight, regardless of foreign nin. Their duty is to destroy the body before anything can be gleaned from it. But he took Zabuza away, why?”

“So that we wouldn’t interfere?” Sakura asked somewhat hopeful.

“I don’t think so. If he needed proof he could have just taken the head.” They all looked a bit uncomfortable at that fact, even Naruto as the girl fingered her own neck in discomfort at the thought. “But the thing that really makes me think he didn’t kill Zabuza is the weapon he used, this weapon!” Kakashi yanked out a needle from his own body. It hurt like hell but it helped to deliver his point as it showed minimal damage aside from very slight bleeding. “Even the most accurate of throws have a small chance of being lethal, and even then they have to be to very specific parts of the body.”

At the rate he was going, Kakashi would likely never see a proper recovery because Naruto would kill him. Said angry girl was now done with his antics and forcefully shoved him back down, keeping one hand on his upper body to prevent him from sitting up. He wouldn’t put it past her to drug him into compliance after that last stunt. But Kakashi was done, letting Naruto return to her work as she put more needles into Kakashi. A bead of sweat trickling down the side of her face and along her jaw as she not only had the most knowledge in their group aside from Kakashi in relation to the human body, but she was practicing the same art with the same tools that had supposedly _killed_ Zabuza.

All three of his genin, even Tazuna and his daughter, were now aware of what Kakashi was getting at.

“Zabuza is still out there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more notes:
> 
> \- Sugoi - awesome, cool, incredible. An exclamation of amazement.  
> \- Kage Bunshin - shadow clone… do I really need to explain that one?  
> \- Makibishi - a type of caltrops. A tool used to make movement difficult by stabbing into the bottom of the foot.
> 
> I noticed this while rereading but I don't formally introduce Zabuza and I couldn't care less to go back and fix that plot hole so in the break from the last chapter to the start of this chapter assume everything was explained by Kakashi because I am lazy and have written this all in one day because inspiration struck.
> 
> On a serious note about the canon fight with Zabuza... THAT ONE KUNAI SERIOUSLY PISSES ME OFF! I get the man is mobility handicapped when he's got Kakashi in the water prison, but he had a giant-fucking-shuriken in one hand and couldn't block a genin's shit throw with a measly kunai??? I know its for plot and all but seriously?!?!? It's pretty much an accepted fact that the academy tried to undermine Naruto's training at every turn. I'm gonna chalk up the skill in that fight to Naruto's ingenuity and adrenaline but still. HE HAD A GIANT-FUCKING-SHURIKEN!
> 
> Any who, kudos and comments are appreciated as always. I love seeing you guys in the comments section below. Don't be shy if you have any questions, and hopefully I'll have an update soon! 
> 
> Merry New Year's Eve and all that!

**Author's Note:**

> Probably by accident.
> 
> They would if they could.
> 
> Find out *wink wink*
> 
> PROVE ME WRONG! THAT PIG HAS GOTTEN MORE SCREEN TIME THEN TENTEN BUT LESS THEN THAT DAMN SWING!
> 
> Extra: I said I was going to finish Disciples, but then I got bored so here we are. Maybe next year I'll finish that five chaptered one shot.


End file.
